Local
“Whoever Smelt It, Dealt It” Policy Imprisons Hundreds of DEA Officers
New reports from the Department of Justice have revealed that hundreds of police officers have been jailed across the nation for distribution of marijuana. Oddly enough, …
Postdoctoral Researcher Wins ‘Cutest Lab Coat’ Award
Jennifer Smalls, PhD, was awarded the 2017 Cutest Lab Coat trophy early last week at the annual MENS, Meeting of Engineers and Scientists, after a fierce …
MLB Unveils New Sport: Baseball 2
In a surprise press release yesterday, the MLB announced that they had invented a groundbreaking new sport. Rob Manfred, Commissioner of the MLB, took to Twitter …
Local Hero Finished Watching All Porn so You Don’t Have To
La Jolla resident Henry Basta has achieved what many men have only only dreamed of; he is the first man to have successfully watched every pornographic …
New Study Advocates for Two Hours of Exorcising a Day
In a recent effort to cut down on child obesity, researchers at UC San Diego and UCLA spearheaded a campaign to teach healthy habits early on …
Local Man Incorrectly Insists He Finally Knows What LGBT Stands For
Yesterday, after several weeks of self-proclaimed careful thought and intensive research, local man Ross Christopher has reportedly “finally figured out what LGBT stands for.” “I didn’t …
Area Man Mutters He’s Sick of Your Passive Aggression, Still Within Earshot and He Knows It
San Diego authorities issued a public safety warning on Monday after local businessman Kevin Ansler was seen sitting in a coffee shop with his coworker and …
L.A. Continues Tradition of Hosting Olympics During Worldwide Political Turmoil
On September 14, Los Angeles was officially named the host of the 2028 Olympic Games, with Paris being awarded the 2024 Olympics hostship at the same …
Study Finds You’re All a Bunch of Snot-Nosed Hobgoblins
This grammatically correct and scientifically factual address goes out to all the illiterate punks in CHEM 40A. Before I reveal the findings of this week-long experiment, …
“TIME” Names “Tasty” Videos as Person of the Year, Called “The Voice of a Generation”
Last Wednesday, “TIME” Magazine named Buzzfeed’s “Tasty” page as “Person of the Year,” two months before “TIME” typically announces their winner. “Every year, we bestow the …
