Written by: The MQ

Top Ten Ways to Ascend

  1. Unlock repressed childhood trauma
  2. Put on a sweater fresh from the dryer
  3. Consume the elusive 3% milk
  4. Push every door marked “pull”
  5. Drink two 5-hour Energies, take one dose of Nyquil, and get the flu shot
  6. Start listening to only Slavic hard bass
  7. Call (415) 419-7123
  8. Take your meds as prescribed
  9. Read the 63rd word of the ninth article
    of our last issue
  10. Take the elevator

The premier satire magazine at UC San Diego.

One Reply to “Top Ten Ways to Ascend”

  1. Keep on working, great job!

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