Top Ten Ways to Ascend
- Unlock repressed childhood trauma
- Put on a sweater fresh from the dryer
- Consume the elusive 3% milk
- Push every door marked “pull”
- Drink two 5-hour Energies, take one dose of Nyquil, and get the flu shot
- Start listening to only Slavic hard bass
- Call (415) 419-7123
- Take your meds as prescribed
- Read the 63rd word of the ninth article
of our last issue - Take the elevator
The premier satire magazine at UC San Diego.
Keep on working, great job!