Top Ten Ways to Ascend

10. Unlock repressed childhood trauma
11. Put on a sweater fresh from the dryer
12. Consume the elusive 3% milk
13. Push every door marked “pull”
14. Drink two 5-hour Energies, take one dose of Nyquil, and get the flu shot
15. Start listening to only Slavic hard bass
16. Call (415) 419-7123
17. Take your meds as prescribed
18. Read the 63rd word of the ninth article
    of our last issue
19. Take the elevator