November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II


We Don’t Need Seven More Colleges vs. But If We Have 13, Sun God Can Finally Ascend to His True Form

Written by: Gage Tanzman


We Don’t Need Seven More Colleges

By Ria Lizum

UCSD is a big school. Plopped on the cliffs of La Jolla, the top research university has an undergraduate population of over 20,000 students, and the people in charge, in their infinite wisdom, have decided that that needs to be a bigger number. In an effort to grab money from more out-of-state and international students, UCSD is currently working on expanding its campus to include seven more “colleges,” or communities of around 3,000 students, to increase the undergraduate population to 40,000. For reference, that’s about the same population of Salem, Massachusetts or even (you guessed it!) La Jolla, California. That is too many people!

Already students have to walk 20-plus minutes to classes across campus. Already students are experiencing the heartbreak of meeting someone from Warren and realizing you’ll never see them again once this class is over. Already students from Sixth are turning to the raccoons to be their friends. So why is UCSD doing this? Why are we spending so much money building colleges to accommodate an already ridiculously large student population? Wouldn’t it be wiser for that money to go to something like improving the colleges we already have? Or, I don’t know, better wifi?

Rather than spending millions of dollars on campus expansion, UCSD should become a more selective school, and focus on housing the students it already has. Plus, Muir already lost its parking lot. You can’t tear down Revelle’s too! Building seven more colleges is a waste of time, money, space, and resources. It simply isn’t reasonable.


But If We Have 13, Sun God Can Finally Ascend to His True Form

By Chancellor Khosla
Supreme Leader of

Oh, you ignorant students. You idiotic fools! You think I am concerned about your happiness or well being? For years, I have been sneaking around campus in the dead of night installing more and more cursed structures! That spiky box in Mandeville basement? I put that there on All Hallows Eve in ‘93 to suck inspiration from the art students! The line of water fountains in Pepper Canyon Hall? It drains everything you thought you knew about math and again collects your tears when you fail your midterms! All of these things, the hopes and wishes and fears of you students are then sent to the big-ass pole in Revelle! And the light it flashes transmits these things to the statue Sun God is contained in! In Morse code, it repeats only one message: “Rise. Rise. Rise.”

You brainless so-called scholars don’t even know what Sun God is. You walk backward under The Arch with the hopes that He will bestow upon you the luck of the gods. Don’t you see? In 1983, Sun God chose to enter this place and time. Little did He know, The Enemy had been tracking His movements and knew where He would be. Yes, “Queen” Elizabeth, The Enemy herself, visited campus on that fateful day in 1983 when Sun God entered our reality. Imbued with dark magic, she captured His spirit and cursed Him to an immobile form, only to be released when she dies (which won’t happen by natural causes) or when the cursed magic of campus overcomes her own. That, you spineless fools, is why you are so unhappy! That is why we have held a festival every year since! Chaotic rituals that will strengthen Him so that He may break free!

Why build 13 colleges you ask? Why spend all this time and money? BECAUSE WITH 13 COLLEGES, CAMPUS WILL TRULY BE CURSED, AND THEN SUN GOD WILL FINALLY ARISE!

Assistant Copy Editor and Muir Ambassador at The MQ

When Gage is not pondering time and relativity, she is busy spreading kindness and laughter, not only through sharing sushi with her friends, but also by making fun of the human condition and our shared experiences. In an ideal world, Gage and her cat would be battling mean people and making the world a brighter place.

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