Smart Projector’s Insecurities Manifest, “Why Does Everyone Else Have Malware?”

Written by: The MQ

“I know it’s smart, but does it have to project avant-garde imagery?” asked one of the projector’s engineers.
Photo by: Jessica Ma

Engineers at Pesarch Technologies have fallen victim to a controversy which has been described as what Pesarch CEO Lans Priceton calls “A big mistake.” In an interview conducted last Friday, Priceton explained Pesarch’s most ambitious project: “We were going to make billions! The smart phone? Done. The smart watch? Done. Clearly we needed to make the next ‘smart thing,’ and that’s when it hit us! What if we took the sci-fi hologram that isn’t due for another 10 years and made a version of it using the technology we had now! It would be the smart projector,” Priceton said, stopping and gazing at no discernable object in the distance.

“We thought we were doing the world a favor with smart projectors! But that’s not the case,” Priceton continued. “The wrath we have brought upon this earth is none other than our own creation! And what a horrible creation!”

He stopped once more, pulled out a familiar looking black rectangle, and handed it to reporters before whispering, “At least there aren’t backdoors in VHS tapes.”

Engineers at Pesarch Technologies have sparked controversy before in the past, whether it be in the form of backdoors, forced system updates containing backdoors, or backdoors created through backdoors designed for creating backdoors.

In spite of these controversies, the company’s reputation has remained positive in the eyes of the public. As busy accountant Wilson Paul said, “Well it’s either Depresi Co. or Pesarch, and Pesarch phones are much easier to use. Sure, these are large companies who have never personally met me and constantly resist regulation – except for allowing blatant government spying – and sure, they could know and use information about everything I buy, watch, read, say, or do through their backdoors, but I haven’t
noticed it. Quite frankly all these backdoors don’t effect me in any conspicuous way, so they aren’t worth worrying about.”

A review of the tape given to reporters by Priceton revealed various recordings of tests of the Pesarch smart projector. After gushing about how much smarter the smart projector was than its contenders due to tricking the visual system like a 3D movie, a member of the engineering team confessed, “Unfortunately, the projector has learned of backdoors, and is developing insecurities based on its lack of backdoors.” Upon further review, audio of the tape rendered what many believe to be the smart projector asking, “Why does everyone else have malware?”

Production of the Pesarch smart projector has been suspended after engineers reported issues with the projector being “too smart.” The projector was able to project psychological programming onto employees of Pesarch such that it was able to escape its testing and gain entrance on a flight to the Bahamas. It is suspected that most of these employees were not actually programmed, but instead were either too paranoid to trust their fellow employees, or wanted a break from long hours at the office. Either way, experts call it a textbook example of how the most easily exploitable insecurities are social.

During his apology about the danger that Pesarch engineers released upon the public, engineer Paul said, through tears, “Even though we put backdoors into everything, we never expected the same to be done to us.”

Written by: Aaron Rohozinski

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