“What could go wrong?” Bradford asked, downloading a fifth To-Do list app.
Photo by: Jessica Ma

On Thursday, area cognitive science major Gwen Bradford said that “surely next quarter I’ll get my shit together,” following a quarter of unmet goals and unimpressive grades.

“I know exactly how I should be studying,” Bradford said, “but actually sitting down to do it is so much harder than reading all day or playing Overwatch.” This claim was backed up by several of Bradford’s peers who have witnessed years of her incessant failure.

Rachel Nguyen, a former roommate of Bradford and a fellow UCSD student, attested to Bradford’s plans being the exact same as they were for the previous 11 quarters.

“I thought she had a great strategy after she tanked CHEM 6A freshman year,” Nguyen confessed. “It seemed like a real wake-up call. She had all these daily planners and weekly planners and monthly planners – well, I guess you’d call those calendars. There were whole weeks marked off just for studying and nothing else. Of course, that fell apart before week one ended when I noticed she had set aside entire days in her planners which she dedicated to Netflix.”

Bradford reported some outside factors to this quarter’s slump, citing an illness in the family, a spring break that was too short, and classes that were too difficult. Her journal showed that winter quarter had been similarly affected by forces beyond her control, including a visit from family, a winter break that was too long, and classes that were so easy as to be boring.

Bradford also reportedly has 10 weeks’ worth of To-Do lists on her desk, with about a third of the items crossed off. Her plan for next quarter is to use a calendar to block time off, set achievable weekly goals, and reward herself in small ways for accomplished tasks. Incidentally, that was her plan for this quarter as well.

“I really don’t know where all the time went!” exclaimed Bradford. “I only had classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. In theory I had five full days of the week to go running in the morning, study or do homework, then practice cooking new recipes for myself.” While Bradford has not made progress in these areas, she has become an expert on giving relationship advice by browsing Internet forums, can make a box-mix cake with her eyes closed, and has five flourishing Pinterest boards.

Sadly, Bradford had not noticed that this past quarter was her last at UCSD, as she is set to graduate in June. Because this event had not been added to her calendar, Bradford had enrolled in classes for next quarter, citing a surprising lack of requirements to fulfill.

Written by: Jen Windsor