Local Man Almost Gets Job, Dog in Suit Hired Instead


Written by: Daniel Clinton

As Chien walked in on Sparky, the dog barked, “Don’t mind me, I’m just practicing for my board meeting.”
Photo by: Jessica Ma

Local man Terry Chien was interviewing for the position of Account Manager at DoorStops International when he was passed over in favor of a golden retriever in a suit. “Terry seemed well qualified for the position, but when I saw Sparky, I knew we had our man,” commented DoorStops CEO Larry Hund.

Chien, a recent college graduate, wanted to make an impression with the interviewers. “I thought it would be fun to bring my dog to the interview. Larry had mentioned his love for dogs previously and I just wanted to be memorable,” explained Chien. “Knowing what I know now, I wish I could take it all back.”

“He just looked so damn cute in his little suit. I wanted to eat him up,” squealed Hund. “Hiring Sparky was the single best decision I have ever made as DoorStops CEO. Our recent market projections show that we will hit our quarter profit goal in just two dog months, and it’s all thanks to Sparky.”

“At first, it seemed funny to me,” said Chien. “My own dog hired over me. The comedy of the situation wore off quickly. Dropping off and picking up Sparky every day while continuing my own job search became frustrating and tiring.

“I wouldn’t mind it so much if Sparky would help pay rent,” continued Chien. “But all he spends his salary on is dog toys and dog ramps. One ramp up to my bed was fine, but seven ramps up to my bed forces me to skateboard into bed every night.”

The recent hire of Sparky at DoorStops International has exposed widespread issues with hiring practices throughout corporate America. Despite Sparky’s landmark achievement, recent studies have shown that zero dogs are currently employed by Fortune 500 companies. Dog activists like Eduardo Cachorro have risen up to bring attention to the difficulty of breaking into the American workforce for dogs in suits.

“Dogs are people too,” said Cachorro. “Dog labor is an issue that is too often pushed under the rug and then walked around on in a circle and then sat on.”

While Dog Labor has its fair share of supporters, it has also been met with opposition. “All these people gawking over a dog in a suit are stupid. Why would anyone ever hire a dog in a suit?” remarked Macy Ngeru, a local activist for hiring cats in suits. “It’s like they’ve never seen my cat Tiger in his blazer. Now that cat looks employable.”

“I still love Sparky. No job can get in the way of a man’s best friend,” admitted Chien. “Though, he always comes home looking so drained … I can’t remember the last time we played a game of fetch. I just want to know where the puppy I adopted went. It’s like I’ve lost him, but no matter how much I yell his name and put up lost dog posters, I can never get my Sparky back.”

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