Volume 29
UC Regents To Begin Recycling Students
In an effort to be more sustainable, the UC Regents have decided to start recycling students. “It’s really a no-brainer,” said UC President Michael Drake. “We’ve …
Timothée Chalamet Goes Outside, Buys Milk
“I can’t believe he bought cow’s milk,” declared Lamborda. “I’m still a fan, but just a little bit less.”Photo by Julia Wong This morning, Timothée Chalamet …
Mobile Stationery Causes Confusion
Panic seized the student body last Monday, following an apparent violation of the laws of reality: the arrival of “Ms. Pell’s Mobile Stationery Store On Wheels” …
UCSD to Repaint Geisel Lobby After Redesign Blinds Students
“We want students to be drawn to the library like moths to a flame,” said Gibbons.Photo by Julia Wong Upon the recent unveiling of the new …
Newton’s Long-lost Fourth Law Revolutionizes Physics
Last Saturday, a janitor was cleaning out a closet and stumbled into a hidden chamber at Trinity College in Cambridge, England. Inside the chamber was an …
UCSD to Remove All Grass on Campus for the Construction of Ninth College
As the construction of its Eighth College nears completion, UC San Diego’s administration has announced a plan for the university’s ninth college, Ninth College. “We needed …
Elon Musk Declares Himself “Techno-Emperor of the Universe”
Elon Musk Declares Himself “Techno-Emperor of the Universe” Musk made the announcement on Twitter this morning, where he also said that he has “already been forcing …
Student Shocked to Discover Pete Davidson is Now Dating Her Mother
“He has so many tattoos, I feel like it would be more special if he didn’t get one of my name,” said Jennifer Dong.Photo by James …
Mercedes Launches New Brake Line Subscription Service
“And I thought my car was crazy for making me pay for a gas subscription,” said Shapoor Laliwalla.Photo by Sharon Roth Last Thursday, Mercedes-Benz announced a …
