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UCSD Students Warned of Glue Incident
Last week, UC San Diego students received Timely Warnings via text, phone call, and loudspeaker after a glue-related event was reported. The incident, officially determined to …
5G Towers Found to Spread Cell Service
“Phages hate this one trick,” said undergraduate research assistant Polly Merrace.Photo by Theo Erickson A recent breakthrough study led by Gervin Hernandez, an electrical engineer with …
Ridge Walk Introduces FasTrak Lane
“And I… I took the Trak less traveled by,” said literature major Carol Quickley.Photo by Jordan Whitlow Starting in Fall 2025, UC San Diego will be …
Weather Forecast Now Shows Chances of CEO Assassination
“Wait, so does ‘20%’ mean 20% coverage of bullet rain, or that there’s a 20% chance of bullet rain?”asked Fawner.Photo by Dylan Schmidt After the assassination …
Elon Musk Takes Place as First Gentleman
“Trump keeps calling himself a coal-powered power bottom,” said a White House staff member.Photo by Dylan Schmidt Two weeks ago, the United States presidential inauguration marked …
Donald Trump Steps Down to Become Whale Psychiatrist
“Please don’t use whale puns. They don’t like them. It’s not good for them,” said Trump.Photo by Jordan Whitlow After pardoning himself for “everything he had …
Dating My Campus Crush Went Wrong?
It all started the first week of school when I went to a “First-Years in Seventh from the Northeast Part of Akron, Ohio” mixer. I saw …
