Volume 25
CALPIRG Hires Ghosts to Harass Students in Their Dreams
UCSD CALPIRG Chair Sophie Haddad announced on Tuesday that the money from the CALPIRG student fee referendum students approved last Spring Quarter will go toward a …
Apologetic Professor “Feels So Bad” About Requiring One Thousand Dollar Textbook
Following the conclusion of the first round of midterms at UCSD, university administrators were reportedly surprised to learn that Professor Rico Goldwater’s ECON 180 class no …
Top Ten Reasons You Should Be Suspicious of That Doctor
1. When they write a prescription, they say they’re referring you to “their dealer”
2. He insists that people refer to him as “Mr.” instead of “Dr.”
3. They pushed the idea of a prostate exam a little too hard
4. You’re pretty sure they’re a pre-med student
5. For some reason they keep salting you
6. They’re using their stethoscope as a belt
7. Half of the office is being used as a meat locker
8. You saw them looking things up on WebMD
9. They have their doctorate in journalism
10. They own the mortuary next door
Boy Scout Badges, Third Grade Reading Level to Be Considered in Sexual Assault Cases
Colleges nationwide will begin to take relevant details into account when handling accusations of sexual assault, such as honors won in the Boy Scouts, third grade …
Ghostbusters Caught Releasing Ghosts in Alleged Criminal Profiteering Scheme
In a recent public statement, New York City Police Commissioner James O’Neill announced that the Ghostbusters were arrested following a no-knock raid at their headquarters. Following …
UCSD Introduces ‘Pay-to-Sit’ Classes
“After calculating statistics on class sizes, waitlist enrollment, and similar things, we realized that we had a major problem brewing,” admitted Natalie Jameson, a representative from …
UCSD Implements New “Hunger Games”-Style Lottery to Deal with Overflow
An unprecedented number of students were admitted to UCSD this year, exceeding the amount of available on-campus housing. Overflow students were redistributed around campus as a …
Area Student Breaks World Record for Number of Questions Asked During Single Lecture
Area student Jakob Stokowski broke the Guinness World Record for the number of questions asked during a one-hour college lecture last Monday morning. Stokowski asked his …
Local Haunted House Decorated with All the Things Millennials Killed
Last week, La Jolla cat owner and self-proclaimed “Head of the Homeowners Association” Jessica Smith convinced her community to enhance an alleged “paranormal” home into a …
Top Ten Reasons the Aliens Have Yet to Take Over
1. They only visited Ohio
2. Not enough “S” spots
3. They don’t want to deal with climate change
4. Oxygen is incredibly poisonous to most intelligent life
5. They only put in the effort to learn hieroglyphics, and now they have to start over
6. Education is free on Mars
7. They knew that if they all came here, we’d all want to fuck them
8. They don’t want to eat dinner with your racist uncle
9. You think they haven’t taken over?
10. Budget cuts
