1. You have to wait six months until your car clock works again
2. You’re missing the one hour of beauty sleep you needed to not look ugly
3. You scheduled something for 2:01 a.m.
4. You sprung too far forward and you’re now in the year 2089
5. You’ve been outrunning your shadow and now it’s caught up with you
6. You have to hire a mason to reset your sundial
7. You were strategically playing hard-to-get but now it looks like you’re ghosting her
8. The doctor only gave you six more hours to live and you just lost an hour
9. Nobody understood your joke because your timing was off
10. You forgot to report your extra savings in daylight and now the IRS is after you

10. Your hoarding habit is getting bad
9. It’s on top of quicksand
8. You’ve been begging for a new Xbox and it’s had enough
7. You were trying to break the glass ceiling but you missed
6. The floor bought apple-bottom jeans and boots with the fur
5. Your plan to smash that spider with a sledgehammer was poorly thought out
4. You built your house on top of journalistic integrity
3. She took the floor in the divorce
2. You just had to say, “How could this day get any worse?”
1. You still haven’t addressed the elephant in the room

10. They remind you of your wasted potential
9. You celebrated both by putting a stink bomb inside your professor’s car
8. You didn’t expect to be drunk
7. Both have an approximately 13 percent chance of sending you to the hospital
6. You spent the entire time blaming your noxious gas on a whoopee cushion
5. They make you want to drop out of college
4. You would have felt better if you had just stayed in bed
3. They both have gone on long enough
2. You started to laugh-cry at the absurdity of it all
1. You forgot to participate

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1. They keep saying, “Nice to ‘meat’ you”
2. The fireplace looks suspiciously like a rotisserie
3. All the kitchen utensils are labeled “for humans”
4. They use a fork and knife to eat ass
5. After you took a shower they said you were very aromatic
6. They said they wanted you inside them and said “no homo,” so there’s only one explanation left
7. They use brass knuckles to tenderize steak because “it’s good practice”
8. They keep asking if you’re kosher
9. They keep trying to stuff an apple in your mouth when you’re asleep
10. You moved into a gingerbread house

1. Your dad keeps building you bunk beds, but you’re an only child
2. Your dad’s been searching for treasure in the backyard and has never heard of a shovel
3. There’s been a lot of drilling late at night in your parents’ room
4. Too many paintings on the walls
5. He was finally able to finish that shed in your backyard, which finally gave him the confidence to divorce your mom
6. Your parents started having kids for all the extra chairs
7. Any cheese you buy now becomes Swiss
8. Building 20 chairs has so far been the weirdest way he’s coped with not getting custody
9. He can’t find a power outlet, so he just makes the drilling noises himself
10. Your dog found it, and let’s just say your mailman is never coming back