Briefs
Tree Asked for Political Beliefs, Doesn’t Answer, Is a Tree
A local 30-year-old spruce tree going by the name “NO TRESPASSING, PRIVATE RESIDENCE” was found loitering in a San Diego suburb late Thursday night. When asked …
Numbers Outlawed by Executive Order
An executive order was signed into law last Thursday officially outlawing the use of numbers in all written and verbal circumstances. The order came after extensive …
Middle School Sex Ed Class Ends with Cliffhanger, “To Be Continued” in High School
Graduating students from Margaret “Mayge” Farenhart Middle School completed the first half of the school district’s two-course sex ed program, which initially builds anticipation and then …
Area Senior Pretty Sure Next Quarter Will Be Better For 11th Time in a Row
Area senior Steve Reynolds announced this week that, despite this quarter “taking him by surprise” with the amount of work 12 units of classes required, he …
UCSD Announces Therapy Furries Program
After discovering the success of Therapy Fluffies, UCSD has created a new program to help students de-stress without having to battle dander allergies. On Thursday, UCSD …
Nation Needs Mariah Carey to Wish for Snow
Environmental scientists discovered the true cause of climate change; they believe that all environmental catastrophes can be traced back to the year 1994, when Mariah Carey …
New Study Finds Three Cats is Too Many Cats
A recent study from the Cat Relations department at the University of California, San Diego found that three cats is too many cats. The study was …
Area Man Dumps Spare Brain in Vat
A man awoke last Friday morning to gaze upon his mysteriously acquired spare brain. Deciding that he no longer needed an external manifestation of knowledge, he …
Breaks Time, Man Builds Time Machine
Scientists have joined to stabilize the continuum, but don’t believe they can fix time until either 2073 or 307 B.C. “The first thing I did with …
Earth Upset at Trump’s Claim That Climate Change is a Chinese Hoax
Mother Earth recently revealed her thoughts on President-Elect Donald Trump’s claims that climate change is a Chinese conspiracy to make American manufacturing non-competitive. His denialism upset …
