Articles
Incoming Freshmen Ready to Reinvent Themselves for College, Still Sad
A study released this week by the University of California, San Diego has concluded that although most incoming freshmen believe college is time to turn over …
New Study Advocates for Two Hours of Exorcising a Day
In a recent effort to cut down on child obesity, researchers at UC San Diego and UCLA spearheaded a campaign to teach healthy habits early on …
Editorial: Hey, Hey! Wait for Me to Leave Class before You Enter, Asshole
I understand that our time on this earth is finite. And I understand that you want to maximize your time in your plane of mortal existence. …
Trump Administration Discovered To Be an Improv Camp for the Wealthy
In the past few weeks, many Americans have been awestruck by how seemingly messily and uncoordinatedly the Trump Administration has been conducting business. However, there seems …
Local Man Incorrectly Insists He Finally Knows What LGBT Stands For
Yesterday, after several weeks of self-proclaimed careful thought and intensive research, local man Ross Christopher has reportedly “finally figured out what LGBT stands for.” “I didn’t …
Area Man Mutters He’s Sick of Your Passive Aggression, Still Within Earshot and He Knows It
San Diego authorities issued a public safety warning on Monday after local businessman Kevin Ansler was seen sitting in a coffee shop with his coworker and …
Grammarians Argue Over Reclaiming “Grammar Nazis”
The Punctuation and Elocution Defenders Against Nefarious Terminology (PEDANT) has suffered an internal schism in recent months, as members argued over the question: should they attempt …
New American Diplomacy Policy Released as “Act First, Don’t Ask Questions Later, Hope No One Else Does Either”
The White House has recently released a new statement outlining future approaches to foreign policy and international affairs which, according to Press Secretary Sarah Sanders, the …
New Tesla Model Will Turn Itself Around If You Don’t Cut that Shit Out
Late last month, standing in front of a crowd of reporters and tech elites, Elon Musk proudly announced the newest model in Tesla’s line of self-driving …
Big Ben’s Chime To Be Replaced with the Screech of a Tea Kettle
There are few things that are quintessential to the London landscape – double-decker busses, cloudy skies, Ian McKellen, and of course, the Big Ben clock tower. …
