Politics
New From the CDC: “Social Distancing Rules Still Apply, Even if You Really Really Need a Hug”
Whittman stated: “These pillows are so fluffy, I might not even go back to people after this.”Photo by Jack Yang In a recent press conference, the Center …
Student Activists Demand COLA, UC Replies, “Is PEPSI Okay?”
Pepsi Co reportedly plans to feature the protest in a new commercial.Photo by Jack Yang The University of California school system has issued an official response to …
Local Leprechauns Threatened by Climate Change: “Too Much Sun, Not Enough Rainbows”
When questioned by reporters, one leprechaun said, “It’s not easy being green, but it’s not over until it’s clover!”Photo by Jack Yang As winter draws to a …
Gamers Encouraged to Vote with “Primary Ballot Any-Percent” Speedruns
Counting issues were later reported due to people clipping through the wrong parts of the ballot.Photo by Jack Yang With voter turnout expected to be extremely high …
Florida Crocodiles Sue Croc Brand Footwear Over Trademark Dispute
The court struggled to find jurors unbiased towards Crocs.Photo by Jack Yang After years of dispute, a group of Florida crocodiles is filing a discrimination lawsuit against …
Soldiers Enraged as Mouse and Keyboard are Disabled for Potential WWIII
Vargas complained that disabling mouse and keyboard would ruin his “epic 89% accuracy rate.”Photo by Jack Yang On Monday, January 13, US Secretary of Defense Mark Esper …
President Trump Announces Plan to Leave the EU
Trump later tweeted that he was sure the US’ performance of “God Bless Texas” would win the Eurovision contest despite it not being an original song.Photo …
Brexit Delayed Until 2045
While there was a referendum on whether or not Boris Johnson should be tarred and feathered, everyone who would have voted “no” stayed at home.Photo by Jack …
New Leaked Brexit Document Reveals Plan for US to Annex United Kingdom, Secede Florida to EU
The British were reportedly confused about why there was sweet tea in their harbor.Photo by Silver Wallace The United Kingdom is set to leave the European Union …
Experts Recommend Daylight Roth IRA Over Daylight Savings
Half of the protest reportedly failed to show up because they “fell forward” instead of “falling back.”Photo by Silver Wallace On November 3, residents across San Diego …
