Whittman stated: “These pillows are so fluffy, I might not even go back to people after this.”
Photo by Jack Yang
In a recent press conference, the Center for Disease Control asserted that hugs are a clear violation of social distancing protocol, “no matter how badly you might need one.” This news comes as a shock to UC San Diego students, many of whom are claiming they need a hug “now more than ever.”
Junior Amber Whittman explained in an interview: “I have been quarantining with my mom, and she hasn’t hugged me since last December when I changed my major to Writing. I need real physical human contact. My weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore!” Whittman went on to explain an interaction she had at a local Starbucks, saying, “When the barista was handing me my drink, her fingers accidentally grazed mine and it gave me goosebumps. The physical contact gave me a brief moment of pure bliss, though it was followed,of course, by eight minutes of aggressively sanitizing my hands.”
Recent studies from UCSD Health show that a main way COVID-19 spreads is through physical contact, and according to the study “96% of hugs can be defined as physical contact.” Johnny Saxton, CEO of Cheap and Deep Blow Up Doll Inc., has reported a record number of sales in the last two months. Reviews on their website, plasticsluts.com, signal that the rise in revenue came from people just needing something semi-human to hug. One reviewer wrote: “I got this doll. Then I went to Build-a-Bear and recorded an audio tape saying ‘It’s gonna be okay.’ The Build-a-Bear employee then helped me put that recording and a plush heart in one of the doll’s many holes. After that, I just put a Halloween Zach Galifinakas mask on it — he looks like he’d give good hugs. I now carry Zach around everywhere and just give him a good squeeze every time I need a hug. It’s perfect. 5/5 stars would recommend to a friend.”
With the harsh economic climate, however, not everyone can afford a blow up doll. In order to imitate soft human flesh, some UCSD students have reportedly been “filling ziplock bags with ranch dressing, drawing a face on the bag with a Sharpie, and carrying it around.” HDH has reported that all on-campus dining halls and markets are sold out of Ziplock bags and ranch dressing. One student, who wished to remain anonymous, stated, “This bag of Ranch is my best friend now. It spoiled weeks ago, but I just can’t bring myself to throw it away.”
Beans Cox is a crystal carrying, palm/tarot reading, vegan hipster who is obviously from Portland, Oregon. Her favorite type of bean is pinto.
