The court struggled to find jurors unbiased towards Crocs.
Photo by Jack Yang
After years of dispute, a group of Florida crocodiles is filing a discrimination lawsuit against Crocs Inc. Footwear Brand over the use of the word “Croc.”
Spokesgator Sam McSwamp said in an official statement that “the use of the word ‘Croc’ has rich cultural roots to us crocodiles, but it is outdated and bigoted by today’s standards. In the 1900s, ‘Croc’ was a derogatory term used by poachers who killed our ancestral gators and forced us off our precious lands. Because of the disparaging connotations, ‘Croc’ is a word that should belong to us and not some dumb shoe company.”
Sam McSwamp’s wife, Sally McSwamp, is also part of the Anti-Croc Shoe movement. “Not only is it an offensive term, but Croc shoes aren’t even designed for us crocodiles! The shoes don’t fit our large, webbed feet. It seems like the only type of person who can wear these shoes are basic bitches wearing them ironically or 50-year-old men who need easy shoes to slip on to go to their local gas station at 1 a.m. to buy beer. Also, Croc Shoes are so uncomfortable and ugly! They make your feet all sweaty! They aren’t as good as water shoes either! If this company is gonna use my species’ word, they might as well attach it to a product that actually benefits the gator community.”
A spokesperson for Crocs Inc., Brett Tegner, does not believe the company is doing anything wrong by using the term. “Here at Crocs Inc we understand the historical significance of the word ‘croc’ and the generations of poaching and prosecuting their species has endured. The company apologizes that Florida crocodiles are offended by our use of the word “Croc.” However, in America, it has long been established that white people can say and use whatever disparaging slurs we want, no matter how horrific the historical ties are. That’s what freedom of speech means. Are you a white rapper? Go ahead and use the N-word! Do you want another football team to root for? Then put on your best headdress and go cheer for the Redskins!”
The lawsuit is scheduled to take place next month in court, with Judge Algernon Everton presiding over the case. “I’m not really supposed to talk about the cases I’m gonna review,” said Everton in an interview, “but this one is kinda a no-brainer. When has the court system ever ruled in favor of whiny ‘endangered species’ or ‘marginalized groups,’ until a few decades of oppression have gone by? I’m gonna side with Croc Footwear on this matter, regardless of what case the defense presents. The Supreme Court can hash it out in 2090.”
The Anti-Croc Shoe movement plans to hold nationwide rallies to garner support and fundraise. Reports from the DNC have also confirmed that “inter-species relations” will be one of the issues discussed at the next Democratic debate.
Beans Cox is a crystal carrying, palm/tarot reading, vegan hipster who is obviously from Portland, Oregon. Her favorite type of bean is pinto.
