Politics
Area Gun Announces Bid for 2018 Elections, Shooting for Utah Senate Seat
On January 29, area gun Springfield XD-S announced its plan to campaign for the Utah Senate midterm elections, allegedly in response to Mitt Romney who had …
Sessions Announces Plan To Remove Alcohol From Hand Sanitizers in War on Drugs
Earlier this week, Attorney General Jeff Sessions issued a memorandum, encouraging law enforcement agencies to act according to new federal laws regarding the use of marijuana …
President Trump to Implement Plan to Steal Christmas
Last Wednesday, President Trump announced a new policy in which he plans to steal Christmas entirely. According to White House officials, his plan is to paint …
White House Aide Unable to Teach Trump to Use Chopsticks
President Donald Trump recently spent nearly two weeks in Asia to discuss trade, meet with world leaders, and eat his favorite American food with a slightly …
US-Mexico Border Patrol to Be Equipped with Bazookas, Consolatory Mints
Starting next week, all southern Border Patrol units are to be equipped with new supplies and protocols, including new uniforms reminiscent of those in early 2000’s …
Scientists Cure Cancer, Can’t Cure Media’s Obsession with Latest Trump Tweet
Two weeks ago, scientists at CAPRI, the Cancer Assessment and Prevention Research Institute, announced that they had developed a end-all, be-all cure for cancer, capable of …
Poll Reveals Gun Rights Rank Above Rights to Life, Liberty, Happiness
In the wake of one of the deadliest mass shootings in modern history, polling of Americans revealed that the majority of those surveyed agree with expanding …
New Tweet Character Limit Finally Allows Donald Trump to Be Eloquent World Leader
Late this September, in an effort to help users be more expressive, Twitter announced that they were going to be beta testing doubling their tweet character …
North Korea in Final Stages of Developing a Photo Bomb
Yesterday the White House released a press brief stating that “diplomatic friction continues with North Korea, as their government develops an assault on the American lifestyle.” …
Trump Administration Discovered To Be an Improv Camp for the Wealthy
In the past few weeks, many Americans have been awestruck by how seemingly messily and uncoordinatedly the Trump Administration has been conducting business. However, there seems …