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Area Gun Announces Bid for 2018 Elections, Shooting for Utah Senate Seat

Written by: Rhys Shriver

On January 29, area gun Springfield XD-S announced its plan to campaign for the Utah Senate midterm elections, allegedly in response to Mitt Romney who had …

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Sessions Announces Plan To Remove Alcohol From Hand Sanitizers in War on Drugs

Written by: The MQ

Earlier this week, Attorney General Jeff Sessions issued a memorandum, encouraging law enforcement agencies to act according to new federal laws regarding the use of marijuana …

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President Trump to Implement Plan to Steal Christmas

Written by: Rowan Hernandez Cosme

Last Wednesday, President Trump announced a new policy in which he plans to steal Christmas entirely. According to White House officials, his plan is to paint …

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White House Aide Unable to Teach Trump to Use Chopsticks

Written by: Pilan Scruggs

President Donald Trump recently spent nearly two weeks in Asia to discuss trade, meet with world leaders, and eat his favorite American food with a slightly …

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US-Mexico Border Patrol to Be Equipped with Bazookas, Consolatory Mints

Written by: MQ Trophy Husband

Starting next week, all southern Border Patrol units are to be equipped with new supplies and protocols, including new uniforms reminiscent of those in early 2000’s …

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Scientists Cure Cancer, Can’t Cure Media’s Obsession with Latest Trump Tweet

Written by: Chris Jin

Two weeks ago, scientists at CAPRI, the Cancer Assessment and Prevention Research Institute, announced that they had developed a end-all, be-all cure for cancer, capable of …

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Poll Reveals Gun Rights Rank Above Rights to Life, Liberty, Happiness

Written by: Summer Davis

In the wake of one of the deadliest mass shootings in modern history, polling of Americans revealed that the majority of those surveyed agree with expanding …

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New Tweet Character Limit Finally Allows Donald Trump to Be Eloquent World Leader

Written by: Mishelle Arakelian

Late this September, in an effort to help users be more expressive, Twitter announced that they were going to be beta testing doubling their tweet character …

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North Korea in Final Stages of Developing a Photo Bomb

Written by: Brandon Mougel

Yesterday the White House released a press brief stating that “diplomatic friction continues with North Korea, as their government develops an assault on the American lifestyle.” …

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Trump Administration Discovered To Be an Improv Camp for the Wealthy

Written by: The MQ

In the past few weeks, many Americans have been awestruck by how seemingly messily and uncoordinatedly the Trump Administration has been conducting business. However, there seems …