Politics
Political Science Major Genuinely Believes He Will Become President One Day
As a candidate, Stevens is sure that he has what it takes to make it into the Oval Office. Not only did he compete in Model …
Man Awaiting Ultimate Heat Death of Universe Unimpressed by Rate of Global Warming
“Some people would say I’m a climate change denier,” Forms elaborated, “On the contrary, I consider myself a science and evidence-based man. All I’m saying is …
Government Shutdown Called “Best Thing To Occur During Trump’s First Year in Office”
One month after the government shutdown, the American population has settled in with the gravity of the situtation. The shutdown lasted a total of three days, …
Trump’s Misunderstanding of the National Anthem Overshadowed by Ability To Whistle “Dixie”
Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was put to the test earlier this month after President Trump appeared to forget significant portions of “The Star-Spangled Banner” during …
Area Gun Announces Bid for 2018 Elections, Shooting for Utah Senate Seat
On January 29, area gun Springfield XD-S announced its plan to campaign for the Utah Senate midterm elections, allegedly in response to Mitt Romney who had …
Sessions Announces Plan To Remove Alcohol From Hand Sanitizers in War on Drugs
Earlier this week, Attorney General Jeff Sessions issued a memorandum, encouraging law enforcement agencies to act according to new federal laws regarding the use of marijuana …
President Trump to Implement Plan to Steal Christmas
Last Wednesday, President Trump announced a new policy in which he plans to steal Christmas entirely. According to White House officials, his plan is to paint …
White House Aide Unable to Teach Trump to Use Chopsticks
President Donald Trump recently spent nearly two weeks in Asia to discuss trade, meet with world leaders, and eat his favorite American food with a slightly …
US-Mexico Border Patrol to Be Equipped with Bazookas, Consolatory Mints
Starting next week, all southern Border Patrol units are to be equipped with new supplies and protocols, including new uniforms reminiscent of those in early 2000’s …
Scientists Cure Cancer, Can’t Cure Media’s Obsession with Latest Trump Tweet
Two weeks ago, scientists at CAPRI, the Cancer Assessment and Prevention Research Institute, announced that they had developed a end-all, be-all cure for cancer, capable of …
