News
Ghost of John Muir Spotted on Campus, Seen Hoarding Beef Jerky
Following October 31, an anonymous Muir student was suddenly hospitalized after he reported seeing the ghost of John Muir lurking in the bowels of Pines and …
Scientists Cure Cancer, Can’t Cure Media’s Obsession with Latest Trump Tweet
Two weeks ago, scientists at CAPRI, the Cancer Assessment and Prevention Research Institute, announced that they had developed a end-all, be-all cure for cancer, capable of …
Manic Pixie Dream Girl Chosen to Be New Movie Lead
Last Sunday, October 29, famous director Garrold Scottgard announced his decision to cast Burgundy Jennson in a completely unwanted live-action version of the popular anime and …
Local Student Throws Trash in Recycling Bin, Fixes Society
A recent speech on the prospects of recycling given by John “The Revolutionary” McBon has “challenged everything we ever knew about disposing of paper plates,” according …
“Whoever Smelt It, Dealt It” Policy Imprisons Hundreds of DEA Officers
New reports from the Department of Justice have revealed that hundreds of police officers have been jailed across the nation for distribution of marijuana. Oddly enough, …
Poll Reveals Gun Rights Rank Above Rights to Life, Liberty, Happiness
In the wake of one of the deadliest mass shootings in modern history, polling of Americans revealed that the majority of those surveyed agree with expanding …
New Tweet Character Limit Finally Allows Donald Trump to Be Eloquent World Leader
Late this September, in an effort to help users be more expressive, Twitter announced that they were going to be beta testing doubling their tweet character …
Third Year Student Excited to Live off Campus, Drives 30 Minutes to Pines Each Night
After two years of promising his on-campus friends that he would “never touch that overpriced dining hall food again after moving off campus,” third year Doug …
Postdoctoral Researcher Wins ‘Cutest Lab Coat’ Award
Jennifer Smalls, PhD, was awarded the 2017 Cutest Lab Coat trophy early last week at the annual MENS, Meeting of Engineers and Scientists, after a fierce …
North Korea in Final Stages of Developing a Photo Bomb
Yesterday the White House released a press brief stating that “diplomatic friction continues with North Korea, as their government develops an assault on the American lifestyle.” …
