National
American Dream Deported
“At least we still have Manifest Destiny,” said Hare.Photo by Jordan Whitlow Leaked internal Immigrations and Customs Enforcement (ICE) communications revealed that last week, officers located …
State to Become Church
“What if thy neighbor is a Democrat?” asked Alito.Photo by Ezra Bihis Following a 233-year-long separation, Church and State reunited in the US Department of Justice …
Mexico Renames Mall of America
“This is easily the hardest class I’ve ever taken,” said one International Business major.Photo by Liv Gilbert Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum announced that Mexico will be …
Democrats Deny Existence of Trump
“It’s pretty crazy that we don’t have a President, but I guess we’ll make do,” said one Democrat.Photo by Dylan Schmidt With Republicans controlling all branches …
Researchers Implant First Entirely Artificial Personality
The Joe Rogan Experience will become available to every US citizen in the coming month.Photo by Jordan Whitlow In what is being called one of the …
UCSD Reports First Cases of Dancing Plague Since 1518
“Shake it off,” advised Chancellor Khosla.Photo by Theo Erickson Amid surges of COVID and mounting cases of H5N1, France recently began reporting individuals engaging in “spontaneous …
5G Towers Found to Spread Cell Service
“Phages hate this one trick,” said undergraduate research assistant Polly Merrace.Photo by Theo Erickson A recent breakthrough study led by Gervin Hernandez, an electrical engineer with …
Elon Musk Takes Place as First Gentleman
“Trump keeps calling himself a coal-powered power bottom,” said a White House staff member.Photo by Dylan Schmidt Two weeks ago, the United States presidential inauguration marked …
Weather Forecast Now Shows Chances of CEO Assassination
“Wait, so does ‘20%’ mean 20% coverage of bullet rain, or that there’s a 20% chance of bullet rain?”asked Fawner.Photo by Dylan Schmidt After the assassination …
Donald Trump Steps Down to Become Whale Psychiatrist
“Please don’t use whale puns. They don’t like them. It’s not good for them,” said Trump.Photo by Jordan Whitlow After pardoning himself for “everything he had …
