National
Trump Imposes Tariffs on International Students
“This term is going to be tariff-ic!” said Trump.Photo by Jordan Whitlow In the wake of enacting tariffs on goods ranging from aluminum to foreign movies, …
Trump Declares Time Is Relative, No Need for Third Term
“Time, just like the law, is fluid,” said Trump.Photo by Janice Kim In a press conference Thursday night, President Donald Trump announced he was no longer …
Department of Education Opens UC Guantanamo Bay
“Why would I speak up? I’m not a student,” said one community member.Photo by Janice Kim On Tuesday, the Trump administration announced a commitment to a …
American Dream Deported
“At least we still have Manifest Destiny,” said Hare.Photo by Jordan Whitlow Leaked internal Immigrations and Customs Enforcement (ICE) communications revealed that last week, officers located …
State to Become Church
“What if thy neighbor is a Democrat?” asked Alito.Photo by Ezra Bihis Following a 233-year-long separation, Church and State reunited in the US Department of Justice …
Mexico Renames Mall of America
“This is easily the hardest class I’ve ever taken,” said one International Business major.Photo by Liv Gilbert Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum announced that Mexico will be …
Democrats Deny Existence of Trump
“It’s pretty crazy that we don’t have a President, but I guess we’ll make do,” said one Democrat.Photo by Dylan Schmidt With Republicans controlling all branches …
Researchers Implant First Entirely Artificial Personality
The Joe Rogan Experience will become available to every US citizen in the coming month.Photo by Jordan Whitlow In what is being called one of the …
UCSD Reports First Cases of Dancing Plague Since 1518
“Shake it off,” advised Chancellor Khosla.Photo by Theo Erickson Amid surges of COVID and mounting cases of H5N1, France recently began reporting individuals engaging in “spontaneous …
5G Towers Found to Spread Cell Service
“Phages hate this one trick,” said undergraduate research assistant Polly Merrace.Photo by Theo Erickson A recent breakthrough study led by Gervin Hernandez, an electrical engineer with …
