Local
Ringing In Area Woman’s Ears Found to be Tinnitus, not Klaxons Signaling the End of Days
The doctor asked whether payment through mail was okay, to which Jiao responded, “Nothing gets through my chainmail.”Photo by Jack Yang Area woman Sabrina Jiao was shocked …
Local Child Convinces Conservative Mother to Purchase Doom Eternal
Anderson later claimed that many of the Bible’s tragedies were times God forgot to quicksave.Photo by Jay Noonan Jeffrey Anderson, a 10-year-old resident of Del Mar, has …
WAPT Helicopter (Wet Ass Portable Tank) Quenches California’s Raging Fires
WAPT was projected to be slightly more effective than a bucket and a mop.Photo by Sharon Roth A new hero with a peculiar name has emerged from …
Local Student Floods Childhood Home to Remember Life on Campus
Mahone’s father later commented that he was concerned that the family’s finances “would be in deep water after this stunt.”Photo by Jack Yang Mark Mahone, a second-year …
Survey Finds Majority of College Students “Gastronomically Unprepared” for COVID-19
As an increasing number of students are forced to stay home, experts are reportedly concerned about an imminent spike in home fires.Photo by Sharon Roth With no …
Out of Basic Necessities? Shoot Your Greedy Neighbors.
I think it’s fair to say that life has been a little bit hectic these days. With the shelter-in-place orders still in full effect, people have …
Six-Foot Social Distancing Recommendation Means High Schoolers will Finally “Leave Room For Jesus” at Prom This Year
One student was confused as to why Jesus was suddenly on board with a public health policy based in science.Photo by Jack Yang Oak Grove High School …
New Guy in Town “Definitely a Time Traveler”
After a dead butterfly was logged as evidence, the sheriff’s department issued a statement urging city residents to report any future events that could have gone …
Area Child Reportedly “Just Turned Five”
“It won’t be long now until Jeffrey is fully grown,” said one family member.Photo by Jay Noonan Area child Jeffrey Chao has just turned five years old. …
Animal Crossing: New Horizons to Include Gentrification
Isabelle also offers the option of forcing villagers to stop speaking their dialect of Animalese if the player deems it “unprofessional.”Photo by Dan Kaliblotzky Nintendo has …
