Campus
Student Forgets to Set Alarm Before 15-Minute Power Nap, Sleeps for a Week
In an unfortunate but unsurprising turn of events earlier this Winter Quarter, a UCSD undergraduate found himself living many college students’ worst nightmare: accidentally sleeping through …
Students Celebrate Rich History of St. Patrick’s Day by Wearing Green, Drinking to Excess
This March, UCSD students will commemorate St. Patrick, the man recognized by the Catholic Church as being on par with the original twelve apostles, by getting …
UCs Banned from Asking About Race, Find New Measures of Student Affluence
As per California Proposition 209, the 2016-2017 incoming freshman class will be the 20th UC class to have been accepted independent of their race, sex, or …
Student Body Finds D’lush Offensive and Vile, A.S. Burns Price Center to Ground
After hearing several complaints from the student body about the negative effects of D’lush’s mediocre lunch specials on campus and after a heated debate, several A.S. …
Study Confirms Raccoons Not Microwave Safe
Recent research by undergraduate students has confirmed a curious radiobiological phenomenon. “It has long been theorized that microwaving raccoons is a bad idea, but our research …
UC Review Finds Most Male Faculty not Predators, Just Predator Enablers
An internal review of faculty behavior at the University of California, Berkeley, has concluded that the vast majority of male faculty and administrators do not sexually …
Groundhog Sees Blood Red Shadow, Ushers In Six Weeks of the Apocalypse
A large gathering of people witnessed the blood red shadow of a groundhog, on Feb. 2, 2016, which they believe prophesizes “the end of days.” Feb. …
UCSD Requires Integrity Tutorial, Pre-Med Students More Cutthroat Than Ever
Incoming UCSD freshmen and transfers were surprised in October when they received an email requiring that they complete an “academic integrity tutorial.” Upon opening the email, …
Freshman Attempts Fresh Start, Grows Shitty Beard
Freshman John Puckett announced five weeks ago his decision to grow a beard, despite desperate pleas from friends and family not to. Puckett said he reached …
Freshman’s First Bus Ride Leads To Self Realization as Navigator, Woman
Freshman chemical engineering major Heather Turley sees herself as a renewed, independent adult of the post-Nixon era after catching the 201 bus from campus to La …
