Incoming UCSD freshmen and transfers were surprised in October when they received an email requiring that they complete an “academic integrity tutorial.” Upon opening the email, pre-med students across campus rejoiced at another weapon they could use to eliminate competition.

After immediately taking the test themselves, these pre-meds began calculating ways to take advantage of the new development. Some began to sabotage their peers’ computers, making them unable to complete the tutorial and thus precluding their enrollment in Winter quarter courses. Some began to collect other students’ essays in hopes of finding grounds for plagiarism. And some even pushed for a worthy punishment for academic infringement — being slowly crushed to death under the combined weight of medical textbooks and parental expectations.

One such Triton even targeted clueless international students, convincing them that it is, in fact, not necessary to cite their sources. Orlando Leung, one of her victims, said, “I believed her because she seemed so cute and innocent, like a chubby penguin. Little did I know, under that innocuous façade was a ruthless pre-med. I should’ve known she was trouble when she walked in.”

Bryson Tanner, a well-known and not very well-liked overachiever trying to get into both the School of Medicine and School of Engineering, demonstrated the plagiarism detection program that he was coding. “This program searches for every essay that a UCSD student has ever published,” he said proudly. “Once found, the program cross-checks the essays against one another for similarities, including the words ‘and’ and ‘the.’ If even one iota of plagiarism is detected, the student will promptly be reported to the academic integrity office, a phone call will be made home to their mother, and all their illegitimate records will be submitted to the IRS.”

The integrity tutorial has been reported to put the entire UCSD community on edge and on guard. First floor Geisel turned quieter than eighth floor Geisel when one student asked for help. No one wished to be implicated for helping out a fellow Triton. Sources say that this student, who wished to remain anonymous, had asked his neighbors how to spell the word ‘paranoia.’

Justin Tse shares one close call that he had with the academic powers that be. “Luckily, they decided that my case was not egregious enough to warrant any action,” he said. Tse had been cited for plagiarizing himself by turning in a final draft that was identical to his rough draft.

Ernestine Dee, however, was not so lucky. Upon further inspection of his notecards, he could not distinguish between the numbers six and eight on his page numbers. Instead of going back and verifying his sources, Dee decided to turn in his paper with potential 2-page inaccuracies in his bibliography. “What’s the worst that could happen?” he asked. Dee was later found to have been expelled from the university.

No doubt these pre-meds will eventually graduate from medical school summa cum laude, and form a highly distinguished medical community that extols the values of independence and cutthroat competition that is sure to fix the healthcare system.

Written by: Kestrel Cotti