Photo by: Jen Windsor
Freshman John Puckett announced five weeks ago his decision to grow a beard, despite desperate pleas from friends and family not to. Puckett said he reached this decision after heavily contemplating the issue over the summer.
“Yeah I just figured new city, new school, new me, ya know?” Puckett stated. “Once it grows in, people will really see how cool and chill I am. Also how much I resemble Shia LaBeouf, who is, like, the most laid-back dude out there.”
Puckett reportedly hasn’t shaved since his orientation when he saw “the most stylin’ bearded dude ever” walking around campus, who, according to Puckett’s orientation leader, was local rabbi Chaim Rosenberg.
Puckett’s friends reported they “do not appreciate” the change and have stopped associating with him since it started to grow in.
“In my opinion that beard is the worst thing to happen to facial hair since Martin Van Buren,” said Puckett’s friend Jessica Sterling. “But at least that guy was president. The only accomplishment John will get with this beard is winning a vomit-soaked-carpet-lookalike contest.”
Mark Norris, Puckett’s roommate, questioned how Puckett thought this was a good idea in any way.
“His face sickens me.” said Norris, “I don’t even know how he looks at himself every day without gagging. I make sure to leave at 5 am and return at 9 pm every day so I don’t have to see him in any type of natural light. It’s horrifying in those shitty fluorescents too — his beard looks so washed out and shadowy — but at least it’s not that high definition you get from the midday sun.”
The beard is not the only attempt Puckett has made to appear “cool” since arriving on campus. Puckett has also reportedly posted Snapchat stories of various alcoholic drinks with the caption “#college,” defriended all his high school friends on Facebook, and has bought three t-shirts that say “#legalizeit”.
“Yeah, he even bought a longboard and tried to ride it to class with no experience.” Norris said, “He ate shit on
Library W alk and was ticketed. Highlight of my week.”
However, despite all claims from friends and passersby, Puckett truly believes he is pulling it off.
“People really seem to dig the new me,” Puckett claims, “I mean yeah, no one will sit near me in lecture or talk to me in any other setting, but I think I really nailed that laidback, mysterious look.”
When asked to comment on the situation, the beard just screamed, “I DIDN’T ASK TO BE BORN, OK?!” and began to weep uncontrollably. Later that week, the beard drunkenly tried to end the pain and shave itself off, but only managed to turn itself into an even worse goatee.
