Hannah Lykins
Review: Eminem’s New Restaurant Misses Its Chance to Blow
After a long period of secrecy, Marshall Mathers, commonly known as Eminem, announced the opening of his new Italian restaurant,Mom’s Spaghetti. When I learned of Mom’s …
Chick-fil-A Launches New Campaign of Human Sacrifice, Profits Remain Unchanged
In what many consumers considered a distasteful choice, Chick-fil-A has recently launched a new campaign: for every 100 chicken sandwiches sold, the company will donate $1 …
Baby Boomer Declares Phones Toxic to Youth While Downing Bottle of Vodka
Local retired businessman and baby boomer Jerry Tomblin declared cellphones to be “the scourge of youth” while finishing his second bottle of Belvedere Vodka early this …
Third Year Student Excited to Live off Campus, Drives 30 Minutes to Pines Each Night
After two years of promising his on-campus friends that he would “never touch that overpriced dining hall food again after moving off campus,” third year Doug …
Area Man Mutters He’s Sick of Your Passive Aggression, Still Within Earshot and He Knows It
San Diego authorities issued a public safety warning on Monday after local businessman Kevin Ansler was seen sitting in a coffee shop with his coworker and …
DSM-6 to Include the Diagnosis “Just a Real Goddamn Piece of Shit”
After considerable backlash following the release of the DSM-5, the DSM Task Force has decided that the DSM-6, slated for release in 2025, will add an …
Student Unaware Not Everything Has to Include a Pop Culture Reference
Local first year student Scott Merrifield, in an attempt to prove himself to be just as culturally relevant as other college students, has decided to speak …
First Year Student Sure They’ll Have Enough Time to Pack All Their Stuff in the Next Hour
After a week of “definitely not putting it off,” UCSD first year Brian Mannard has decided to begin the process of moving out, approximately one hour …
New Study Finds 12 Percent of Millennials
Top sociology researchers at Cornish College for the Arts in Seattle released a study earlier in the week finding approximately 12 percent of millennials in the …
