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How I Went From Lexa-Amateur to Lexapro

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By Cleo Armstrong
Emotionally Numb Bad Bitch

Like you all, 2020 has hit me hard. I’m unemployed. Paying rent gets harder and harder every month. My room is a mess. I spent a week where all I ate was white cheddar Cheez-Its and citrus seltzer water and my body still hasn’t recovered. My relationship with my gender gets more and more complicated by the day. I tried to learn guitar but gave up after six days because the strings hurt my fingers and I didn’t have the patience or pain tolerance to wait for calluses. Out of the blue, the girl I liked stopped texting me, and she is now dating a man. My skin is shit. My dog keeps bringing me dead squirrels and I don’t know what to do about that. I can’t fall asleep unless MTV’s Catfish is playing in the background because host Nev Shulman is the only thing that makes me feel safe. Melatonin gummies have become my favorite snack. I’m on a different side of TikTok than all my friends so when I reference my favorite TikToks they don’t know what I’m referencing so it just sounds like I’m saying nonsense. I haven’t done laundry or taken out the trash in weeks. I don’t even think I own a toothbrush anymore.

But then, my doctor prescribed me Lexapro and now I’m doing fine. Not just fine, but great! Spectacular! Wonderful! Did I say great? Because I’m doing so great! Was that too many greats? I’m great.

Sure, I sleep a little more now and my dreams are like crazy vivid, but Lexapro is totally worth it. My psychiatrist even said when he prescribed it to me that it would fix all my problems and make me super happy all the time. I think technically what he said was, “This medication will alleviate some of your symptoms. But to fully feel better you are gonna have to put in a lot of work to take care of yourself and reset your negative thought patterns.” So basically, this pill is magic!

You don’t even have to do anything! Just take your dosage, wash it down with a quarter bottle of Nyquil, and feel your trauma and self-hatred melt away as quickly as MTV Catfish’s Nev Shulman can spot a fake internet girlfriend. Mental health is a constant conversation you should be having with yourself: it’s important to frequently analyze how you are feeling, steps you can take to manifest more joy and purpose, and what behaviors you are displaying which are toxic to yourself and the people around you. Unless you have Lexapro! Then you don’t need to think about any of that shit (which is good, because those questions are super hard and I unravel at the slightest of self-realizations).

So follow in my footsteps and prioritize your mental health! You deserve to feel healthy and loved, and if you don’t feel that way then it’s time to make a change. A change like Lexapro.

Managing Editor

Beans Cox is a crystal carrying, palm/tarot reading, vegan hipster who is obviously from Portland, Oregon. Her favorite type of bean is pinto.

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