Investigation Finds Rhode Island Is Not an Island


Written by: Brandon Mougel

“God, this can’t be right,” said the motorboatist as he consulted his crudely drawn map of Hawaii.
Photo by: Dan Kaliblotzky

The state of Rhode Island was once thought to be the fringe belief by conspiracy theorists and rogue cartographers alike, but enough evidence has been leaked online to confirm that the state, known for its tininess and status as one of the thirteen original colonies, is not, and has never been, an island.

The story first gained traction after reports surfaced on www.IWantToBelieveThatTheTruthIsOutThereBecause9-11IsAnInsideJobAndAlsoWhoPutTheBombsInTower7?.bz.blogspot which featured maps showing Rhode Island to have land borders. “They call it the Ocean State! I mean can you believe the balls on these crooks?!” shouted Mitch Connor, former special agent from the U.S. Geographical Survey and source of the story.

Connor explained how he made the discovery, saying, “It all started three years ago when my partner told me that him and the wife were gonna drive from D.C. up to Providence during Labor Day weekend to visit his in-laws. I thought nothing of it until I was on my lunch break and remembered cars can’t swim. I realized there was something suspicious about Rhode Island that needed to be looked into. But I knew that the higher-ups would never sign-off on a potentially damning internal investigation, so I told them I needed access to the archives to conduct the annual 10-50 report. That’s when we check the maps to make sure the states haven’t moved.”

Connor claimed to have come across map after map in the archives that depicted Rhode Island with land boundaries between Connecticut and Massachusetts. A fact that would be in clear violation of USGS code 4696 defining an island as “a kitchen counter that is approachable from all sides.”

“I was shocked. I mean, it isn’t even a peninsula; it’s like they didn’t even care.” However, Connor was not willing to blindly put his faith in the lines on a map. “I told the deputy director that I was traveling to Connecticut on an assignment to make sure that the state still exists, but really I was traveling to see if I could confirm the results of my research.” Connor claimed that what he witnessed upon reaching Rhode Island was deeply disturbing, citing that the so-called island met none of requirements for island life. “No one played steel drums, no one listened to Jimmy Buffet, no one sounded like the cinnamon stick from the Apple Jacks commercials, and no one offered me a spliff. It was like our government didn’t care enough to keep up with its lie.”

Confident and supported by enough hard evidence, Connor said he brought the report to his superiors and petitioned that the state be renamed “Rhode Lie-land.”

“They laughed and then fired me for gross incompetence. Figures! Those shills are probably all bought and paid for. Luckily, I had prepared for this by placing maps inside my rectum and smuggling them out of the agency one by one for the past 11 months.”

Conner said that he’s glad the truth is finally out there, but he cautioned that this could only be the beginning. “If they pulled this off for this long, I shudder to think what the real story is behind the Hawaiian Islands.”

Staff Writer at MQ

Brandon Mougel is an MQ Alumni

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