Volume 31 Issue 2

ArticlesCampusNews

UC Regents Approves UCPD Request for 1,000 Rubber Ducks

Written by: Ezra Bihis

“Somehow, the ducks have more training than the UCPD,” said fourth-year student Ana Platt.Photo by Jordan Whitlow At the University of California Regents meeting on September …

ArticlesCampusNews

UCSD Dining Halls To Become Allergy-Hostile

Written by: Iris Hochwalt

“HDH is really covering all their bases with this allergen stuff,” said Shelly Fisher. “They’re even making all their silverware out of nickel!”Photo by Dylan Schmidt …

ArticlesNewsWorldwide

BTS Member Declared Missing In Action; Reunion Delayed

Written by: Ren Wallace

Biden has reportedly promised “only the softest and sweetest of kisses for these poor, dear boys.”Photo by Farhad Taraporevala In an urgent press conference, HYBE Corporation …

ArticlesCampusNews

Marshall Student Gets ‘Just OK’ Haircut

Written by: Ethan Kim

“Get 11 haircuts and your 12th one is the same price as the other 11! Wouldn’t want youto stand out,” said one local barber.Photo by Liv …

ArticlesEditorialOpinion

Ohio Does NOT Claim JD Vance

Written by: Amit Roth

Now I don’t usually comment on politics, but something must be said about Senator Vance. In the Midwestern spirit of sharing hotdish ’fore dishing it out, …

ArticlesNews

Separated Couple Fights Over Divorce Attorney

Written by: Morris Custodes

“The scales of justice swing both ways,” said Bernice Parentson.Photo by Theo Erickson A recent string of anonymous forum posts on a legal advice website have …

Top Ten

Top Ten Easy Halloween Costumes

Written by: The MQ

Sunday Comics

McDonald’s E. Coli Outbreak

Written by: Theo Erickson

ArticlesEditorialOpinion

This School Puts Us in Boxes

Written by: Janice Kim

I don’t mean this in a metaphorical way. The email will tell you that you’re being summoned to the “Box Room” at once. When it does, …

ArticlesLocalNews

Marines Vow to ‘Do Better,’ Apologize to San Diego Community

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

“Don’t worry, I’m not just teaching the kids the alphabet,” said Sergeant Major Major. “They’re also learning how to liberate oil.”Photo by Jordan Whitlow Last Wednesday, …