Volume 26
Soldiers Enraged as Mouse and Keyboard are Disabled for Potential WWIII
Vargas complained that disabling mouse and keyboard would ruin his “epic 89% accuracy rate.”Photo by Jack Yang On Monday, January 13, US Secretary of Defense Mark Esper …
Local Charmin Ultra Soft Bear Household Stocked With Strong Toilet Paper, Charmin Bear Child Found Passed Out in Bathroom
“Maybe we should just switch to wet wipes,” commented Ultrasoft Charmin Bear Mom.Photo by Sharon Roth Various bathrooms in the house of a Charmin Ultra Soft bear …
Top Ten Reasons The Queen of England Is Holding Out On Dying
Top Ten Reasons The Queen of England Is Holding Out On Dying She’s rich, so unlike you she has access to healthcare She’s waiting for the …
The New Decade Actually Starts Next Year Because There Was No Year Zero vs. Yeah, You May Be Right, but You’re Still a Nerd
Point: The New Decade Actually Starts Next Year Because There Was No Year Zero I’ve noticed something particularly erroneous in the everyday colloquialisms of my fellow …
President Trump Announces Plan to Leave the EU
Trump later tweeted that he was sure the US’ performance of “God Bless Texas” would win the Eurovision contest despite it not being an original song.Photo …
Local Student Caught Googling How to Painlessly Break Leg After Rumors of Military Draft
Before the hammer was swung, Krohner reportedly cried out, “Stop! Uhh, don’t you think a wrench would work better?”Photo by Sharon Roth Fourth-year Marshall student Tamara Krohner …
Cats Gets Two Paws Up
Sorry, I know this movie came out a while ago, but this review took a while to write. Hopefully I end up submitting it on time. …
Local Biology Professor Loses Funding After Lab Stocked With Antibacterial Soap
Sources heard the bacteria protesters shouting: “Please, just one sneeze! We’re starving!”Photo by Jay Noonan Longtime cell biology researcher Alexander Conrad recently announced that his lab lost …
Australia’s Fires are Tragic but We Can All Help vs. Okay, but First Can We Stop Those Men From Wearing Shorts That are Too Short?
Point: Australia’s Fires are Tragic but We Can All Help I was so devastated to hear about the Australian fires. Just thinking about all those animals …
