Local Man Thinks Calamari and Onion Rings are the Same Thing

After ordering calamari from a local BJ’s restaurant, UCSD student Sam Stewart was shocked to receive fried squid rather than the onion rings he had expected.

“I came to BJ’s with my friends to have some engaging conversation and eat some delicious onion rings. I looked at the menu and saw a picture of fried food in a ring shape. I assumed it would be onion rings — it had to be onion rings. I assumed calamari was just a fun foreign version of onion rings.”

Stewart claimed that his night went drastically downhill after he realized his mistake. “I took a bite and immediately spit it out. I yelled out that it was the worst onion rings I’ve ever had! Apparently, that was something stupid to say. My friends made fun of me. The waitress made fun of me. My friends didn’t say anything the whole night other than crude jokes about my mistake. It was horrible! They called me ‘calimaridiot.’ That’s barely an insult!”

Stewart was left “confused and traumatized” by the events of the night. “I didn’t even know squid was a thing people ate. Furthermore, why is squid ring shaped? I have never once seen a squid like that … I’m going to sue BJ’s for psychological damages.”