Written by: Dan Kaliblotzky

Rich Student Has Mother Visit Every Weekend to do His Money Laundering

UCSD first year Alexander Washington recently told his suitemates that his mother frequently travels to San Diego to preserve his disreputable wealth.

“By the time we were in high school, we could do it all by ourselves. Still having to ask your mom how to do money laundering when you’re already 18 is pretty lame,” said roommate Darren Peters. “Like, most of us just do it on campus. They sell everything you need at Goody’s.”

Washington’s mother, Dakota Washington, expressed concern for a future when her son could accomplish the chore by himself. “Frankly, I am appalled at the other mothers in my TRIGGERED! Book Club/Bible Study that do not do their children’s chores anymore. My Alexander could never be able to manage his bank accounts on offshore islands without my guidance. Whenever I text him about it, he responds as if he intends to pay the taxes he owes in full! I have no choice but to fly to San Diego myself — first class, of course — to settle the situation. Maybe he’ll need to learn eventually, but for now he should let his mommy handle it because she knows best.” Dakota was later seen in a student laundry room shoving compromising documents in a washing machine.

MQ Uncle's Roomate

Dan Kaliblotzky is a fourth-year at UCSD. He aspires to find a career in soulful heavy metal Phineas and Ferb covers.

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