Volume 22
Top Ten Things Politicians Fail to Understand about the Human Body
Normal humans feel guilt Your skin color is not determined by any adherence to moral codes or statistical probability of being convicted of a crime Guns, …
Top Ten Similarities Between Supreme Court Justices Being Sworn In and the First Day of Kindergarten
As long as you remember which hand is your right one and how to write your name you should be fine You can tell who the …
Top Ten Ways You, Taking Your Midterm, Resemble Laika, the Dog the Russians Shot into Space
You’re rapidly learning about the beautiful cruelty of man About halfway through it got hard to tell which way was up All of this is in …
Top Ten Ways Not to Use a Blender
While in a microwave As a food processor. No respectable chef would call that a “mince” Holding it up to the sky to try and make …
Satire Paper “Good For a Chuckle Occasionally”
In an unofficial poll, a local student satire paper was deemed “Most Useful for a ‘Chuckle’ from Time to Time,” after a neck-and-neck race against the …
Area Scientists Baffled, Can’t Find Cure to Being Set on Fire
Student Zachary Collins recently reported that after spending copious amounts of time and money on his work, he has gotten nowhere in his search to find …
Victoria’s Secret’s Head of Photoshop Misses Stray Hair, Reported Missing
The Head of Photoshop at Victoria’s Secret, Kevin Lombard, has been reported missing. Coworkers report last seeing him leaving for a meeting with CEO Les Wexner …
Academy Introduces Silver and Rose Gold Statuettes
After facing enormous backlash from the public regarding the lack of diversity present at the recent Academy Awards ceremony, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and …
Mannequin Bites Dog
Chomp. Terror. Shrieks swell. Macy’s torn asunder. It must’ve been bad chemicals. The ground shows a leash, disconnected and undone. Headless and personified, its Calvin Klein …
Local Student Diagnosed as Legally Blind from Rolling Eyes Too Far Back
Paul Marshall, a Warren College senior, was diagnosed as blind Thursday at Scripps Hospital after his eyes rolled irreversibly far back into his skull. Marshall was …
