Local Student Diagnosed as Legally Blind from Rolling Eyes Too Far Back


Written by: The MQ

Paul Marshall, a Warren College senior, was diagnosed as blind Thursday at Scripps Hospital after his eyes rolled irreversibly far back into his skull. Marshall was admitted shortly after the end of his upper division molecular biology course.

“He looked more ‘over everything’ than he ever had,” said one student in the class. “He’s graduating this quarter so he’s looked dead inside since Week One, but never to this level.”

Sources reported that upon hearing a question asked by another student to the professor that, according to Marshall, “was clearly to just seem smart and get a job in their lab after graduation without actually relating to the lecture,” Marshall’s disgust caused his eyes to roll so far back into his eye sockets that his optic nerves were damaged.

“I went from 20/20 vision to a -9 prescription in both eyes and am feeling more blessed than ever to finally have broke out of my shell,” said Marshall. “I just put on contacts but y’all can’t fix being a kiss-ass.

“Someone get me a watermelon-arita,” he added.

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