Student Zachary Collins recently reported that after spending copious amounts of time and money on his work, he has gotten nowhere in his search to find a cure for fire.

“I thought it was going to be a lot easier,” said Collins. “But now, four years later, I have no results; just 70 burned corpses.”

Collins has tried numerous methods, even digging up old voodoo books to use as guidance. But no matter what vaccine or syrup he gave his testers, they still ultimately burned to death.

“At one point I had to move from rats and monkeys to humans,” explained Collins. “I figured their biological makeup was too different from ours and they just had a natural affinity for being set on fire. But it turns out humans have the ability to get set on fire as well. I thought we were supposed to be a higher evolved species?”

Collins has given up his research, instead focusing his research efforts on something bigger that will “for sure help all of mankind.”

“I’m probably going to figure out how to cure getting crushed to death,” said Collins. “That’ll be way easier than curing fire.”