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Dining Hall Drinks Require Biometric Scans
In a controversial move, Housing, Dining and Hospitality has partnered with PepsiCo and Amazon to introduce a line of all-new soft drink machines that use biometrics …
ICE Sets Sights on Canadians
Following the Trump administration’s promise to “carry out the largest domestic deportation operation in American history,” random stops and arrests are on the rise. Despite the …
Muir Introduces School of Life, MQ Office to Be Removed
“Anyone got space for 26 office chairs and a mannequin?” asked one editor.Photo by Amit Roth This year, Muir College debuts its new “School of Life” …
Mind Control Made ‘Believable’
Self-proclaimed “scientist” Kray D. Bill has recently become the center of attention on X, formerly known as Twitter, after claiming to have discovered mind control. “When …
Philippine Political Dynasty Declares Trump ‘Woke’
Trump allegedly plans to annex the Philippines again in a reported “power move.”Photo by Amit Roth Early Monday morning, thousands gathered in Davao City, Philippines for …
Legislator Campaigns for ‘Trump Love’
On Monday, House Representative Niedaman Inme (R-Georgia) introduced legislation that would criminalize the depiction of “unnatural relationships” in children’s media. Taking aim at “woke media corporations” …
Business Department Mandates Monopoly for Course Credit
“This is easily the hardest class I’ve ever taken,” said one International Business major.Photo by Jordan Whitlow Following a recent survey that revealed that approximately 99.99% …
Academy Awards Voting Body Revealed to Be ‘Four White Men’
On March 2, the 97th annual Oscars were held at the Dolby Theater in Los Angeles, one mile away from the recent Palisades fire. During the …
American Dream Deported
“At least we still have Manifest Destiny,” said Hare.Photo by Jordan Whitlow Leaked internal Immigrations and Customs Enforcement (ICE) communications revealed that last week, officers located …
Open Season Declared On Seals
On March 3, the Trump administration announced that beginning in April, they will allow the hunting of a previously protected endangered species of seals. According to …
