It’s not your shirt that’s backwards, it’s you The front said UCSD and you don’t want to be associated It was backwards when you got it …

1. They keep saying, “Nice to ‘meat’ you”
2. The fireplace looks suspiciously like a rotisserie
3. All the kitchen utensils are labeled “for humans”
4. They use a fork and knife to eat ass
5. After you took a shower they said you were very aromatic
6. They said they wanted you inside them and said “no homo,” so there’s only one explanation left
7. They use brass knuckles to tenderize steak because “it’s good practice”
8. They keep asking if you’re kosher
9. They keep trying to stuff an apple in your mouth when you’re asleep
10. You moved into a gingerbread house

1. Your dad keeps building you bunk beds, but you’re an only child
2. Your dad’s been searching for treasure in the backyard and has never heard of a shovel
3. There’s been a lot of drilling late at night in your parents’ room
4. Too many paintings on the walls
5. He was finally able to finish that shed in your backyard, which finally gave him the confidence to divorce your mom
6. Your parents started having kids for all the extra chairs
7. Any cheese you buy now becomes Swiss
8. Building 20 chairs has so far been the weirdest way he’s coped with not getting custody
9. He can’t find a power outlet, so he just makes the drilling noises himself
10. Your dog found it, and let’s just say your mailman is never coming back

1. Because God said so
2. Because otherwise we wouldn’t be able to say “My god is better than your god” to third world countries
3. I didn’t waste 15 dollars on a “Coexist” bumper sticker for nothing
4. Someone told me I am loved, and I can’t think of any other explanation
5. Because 18 years of resisting masturbation would have been wasted
6. I saw him behind a Target after eight Five-Hour Energies
7. Because I need a good excuse to watch VeggieTales
8. I would know. We’re tight
9. I mean, doesn’t everyone have that voice in their head telling them to kill their firstborn?
10. If he didn’t exist, I’d just look like a bigot

1. Santa’s allergic to nerds
2. He got injured in the War on Christmas
3. You live in Antarctica, and he can’t really justify the commute
4. He knew exactly what you were gonna use that VR headset for
5. Santa’s real, but you aren’t
6. Endangered species laws were repealed, and he didn’t make it past Texas
7. You forgot to change your legal place of residence
8. He heard you were talking shit
9. What made you think Santa wanted vegan cookies?
10. He kissed your mom last year, and now things are just too awkward

1. The plan worked
2. Their family meth lab finally exploded
3. Your friend ordered the strippers to the wrong address
4. It’s CopCon 2018
5. You switched the numbers on your house and their house
6. They needed to borrow some sugar
7. You and your friends solved the mystery of who’s scaring people down at the pier
8. They accidentally hit “reply all” when they were talking about their bank robbery
9. It’s La Jolla and they have more than six girls in one apartment
10. That’s what you get for living next to a bunch of cops

1. When they write a prescription, they say they’re referring you to “their dealer”
2. He insists that people refer to him as “Mr.” instead of “Dr.”
3. They pushed the idea of a prostate exam a little too hard
4. You’re pretty sure they’re a pre-med student
5. For some reason they keep salting you
6. They’re using their stethoscope as a belt
7. Half of the office is being used as a meat locker
8. You saw them looking things up on WebMD
9. They have their doctorate in journalism
10. They own the mortuary next door

1. They only visited Ohio
2. Not enough “S” spots
3. They don’t want to deal with climate change
4. Oxygen is incredibly poisonous to most intelligent life
5. They only put in the effort to learn hieroglyphics, and now they have to start over
6. Education is free on Mars
7. They knew that if they all came here, we’d all want to fuck them
8. They don’t want to eat dinner with your racist uncle
9. You think they haven’t taken over?
10. Budget cuts