Articles
Aspiring Achievers Cofounder Falls Short of Clinching Treasurer Position in Club Elections
Third year undergraduate Jane Footick stormed out of Aspiring Achievers’ third GBM of spring quarter where, despite her significant prior sacrifices that brought the organization to …
Figurative Language: As Useless as a Hole-Filled Umbrella during a Hailstorm
Figurative language. Nothing is more confusing to me than the use of figurative language. I don’t understand why everyone feels the need to use all of …
Norwegian Prison Modeled After California University
As a new experimental part of Norway’s systematic prison reform, an inquiry into modeling future prisons after many California universities has been initiated. This reform is …
Reading, England Discovered to be Where Reading Was Invented
British historian Donald Wobbley has uncovered evidence that reading was first invented in Reading, England around 2200 BCE. Since 1927, it has been widely known that …
Lin-Manuel Miranda Wins Nobel Prize, Puerto Rican Gubernatorial Office
Lin-Manuel Miranda, “Hamilton” playwright and star, has won both a Nobel Prize and the office of Governor of Puerto Rico last Tuesday, in addition to being …
Time Machine Invented, Future Just as Boring as Present
The European Organization for Nuclear Research, known as CERN, performed the first successful time jump in a manned craft at 10:04 p.m. last Saturday. Head researcher …
New Study Finds Cure for Depression: Pile of Kittens Crushed Into Fine Powder
Earlier this year, a federal advisory committee approved a bold new treatment plan by drug company Cheshire Rx. that may permanently cure depression. The advisory committee …
Updated CAPEs to Include Judgement of Peers
In a sweeping new initiative intended to solve all problems with educational feedback, the evaluations students fill out each quarter at the University of California, San …
White Ann Arbor Child Finds Worm in Apple, Michigan Governor Issues State of Emergency
Late last week, in the wake of the Flint water crisis, Michigan Governor Rick Snyder issued a second state of emergency, after Timmy Smithy-Johnson, son of …
HarperCollins Announces Release of Newly-Discovered Harper Lee “Lost Manuscripts”
In the wake of the recent passing of Harper Lee, author of the classic novel “To Kill a Mockingbird,” the HarperCollins publishing company announced the discovery …
