News
History Wishes Humanity Would Listen More Carefully, Is Tired of Repeating Itself
A recent study conducted by historians yielded the unprecedented revelation that History would actually rather not keep repeating itself and really wishes humanity would take the …
Donald Trump Plans to Hire Dick Wolf to Implement Law & Order Policy
Handwritten notes found on Trump’s podium by Hofstra University janitor Philipe Santana after the first Presidential Debate seem to indicate who Trump has decided to hire …
Muir Res Hall Designated as Wildlife Preserve after Rare Species of Moth Found
In a sudden turn of events, the Muir residential halls have now been declared a wildlife preserve after a new species of moth was discovered being …
Turnitin Decides 26 Words or Fewer is Not Plagiarism
The leading originality checking program, Turnitin, has announced this past week that it will not mark plagiarism that consists of 26 words or fewer. Turnitin is …
New Research Attributes All Human Progress to Accidental Imbalances in Scale of Good and Evil
A new research paper released by a worldwide collaboration between historians, scientists, and archeologists revealed that the entire progression of human history depended not on human …
Millennials Dump Illuminati, Embrace Scientology as Ultimate Truth
In a surprising mass exodus, millennials are beginning to leave the Illuminati, one of the United States’ most popular cults, for a more “retro” form of …
Stevie Wonder Lands Plane on Hudson River
Manhattanites found their day grinding to a halt Monday afternoon to witness a miraculous display of airborne prowess. A private Cessna Citation Bravo experienced engine failure …
Trump Campaign Hires Tony the Tiger, “They’re Great”
The formal resignation of former Trump Campaign Manager Kellyanne Conway early last week came as a surprise to Donald J. Trump for President, Inc. and the …
Circus Fans Disappointed that Mother Teresa’s Canonization Means Something Else
Patrons of Ringding Brothers Circus Co. felt disillusioned this week when they realized they would not be seeing their favorite Catholic nun, Mother Teresa, catapulting through …
Apple CEO Haunted by iPhone 7 Feedback, Steve Jobs’ Ghost
Just two weeks after Apple’s September 2016 Keynote, the newly announced iPhone 7 has been met with negative feedback due to the phone’s lack of headphone …
