News
Grocery Stores Now Stocking Organic, Free-Range Bottled Water
“Compared to me, all those normal water suckers are low-drated,” said WellWater customer and self-proclaimed “clean girl” Hayleigh Zoomer.Photo by Farhad Taraporevala As of early October, …
Local Police to Enact New Recruitment Strategy
“I hear that somewhere during the course, they handcuff you,” said one interested studentwho chose to remain anonymous.Photo by Amit Roth In November 2020, voters unanimously …
Microsoft Introduces Windows Remote Defender
Recent reports claim that federal politicians are “freaking the fuck out.”Photo by Jordan Whitlow In the release notes for the upcoming version 25H1 of Windows 11, …
Literature Major Mistakes Sign for Signified
“I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes,” said third-year Literature/Writing major Ace Bassington.Photo by Liv Gilbert Literature major Earnest Bytheway has reportedly mistaken …
UCSD Announces Inter-College Competition
“This is the first time I’ve seen Chancellor Khosla on campus,” said one student. “What a hunk!”Photo by Ezra Bihis This past Thursday, UC San Diego …
UCSD Unveils New Noise Regulations
“This really hertz,” said student Oswald Frequario.Photo by Madeline Mozafari and Liv Gilbert In anticipation of the upcoming Regents budget committee meeting, UC San Diego Facilities …
UC Regents Approves UCPD Request for 1,000 Rubber Ducks
“Somehow, the ducks have more training than the UCPD,” said fourth-year student Ana Platt.Photo by Jordan Whitlow At the University of California Regents meeting on September …
UCSD Dining Halls To Become Allergy-Hostile
“HDH is really covering all their bases with this allergen stuff,” said Shelly Fisher. “They’re even making all their silverware out of nickel!”Photo by Dylan Schmidt …
BTS Member Declared Missing In Action; Reunion Delayed
Biden has reportedly promised “only the softest and sweetest of kisses for these poor, dear boys.”Photo by Farhad Taraporevala In an urgent press conference, HYBE Corporation …
Marshall Student Gets ‘Just OK’ Haircut
“Get 11 haircuts and your 12th one is the same price as the other 11! Wouldn’t want youto stand out,” said one local barber.Photo by Liv …
