The MQ
Christmas Miracle to Come in Form of Three-Day Auto Sale
Last Thursday morning, hundreds of auto dealership managers were visited by angels announcing the Lord’s plan that a 2016 Christmas Miracle will occur in the form …
Local Student Gets Organized, Almost Fools Self into Thinking She Has Life Together
Emily Adlet Roe, second-year UCSD student, reported Monday that she had organized her “whole life” for the first time. When pressed, Roe admitted that when she …
Local Students Refuse to Forgive TA for Small Mistake
On Wednesday night, an anonymous TA reportedly added a negative sign where there should not have been one in homework problem 37 of Math 20D. Witnesses …
Point-Counter Point: Bus Drivers
Point: Bus Drivers Should Not Sacrifice a Whole Shuttle of Students for Five Foolish Traffic Violators The trolley problem: a recurrent topic of philosophical and ethical …
LETTER FROM THE EDITOR: Addressing the Recent Election
NOTE: This is NOT a satirical article In the aftermath of the recent election, and given our new president-elect, we as a publication have decided to …
Area Woman Has Thanksgiving with Family, Decides to Spend Christmas Alone
After spending the most thankful of holidays with family, Janette Spanette told reporters in a press conference that she’d rather spend Christmas alone. “Have you ever …
Local Sci-Fi Author “Overly Optimistic” about Technological Advances in Next 20 Years
San Diego science fiction author Mike Roberts announced on Monday the release of his next book, “Moon Colony: 2025.” The “science fiction masterpiece,” as it has …
Undeclared Student Appeases Father, Finally Declares Miscommunications Major
Two weeks ago, formerly undeclared sophomore Jared Johnston “finally gave into both his father’s and UCSD’s wishes” and declared a major, choosing to pursue a B.A. …
Top Ten Goals Obama Has for His Last Month in Office
Upgrade Obamacare to Super-Mega-Obamacare Take all the copper out of the walls Play “Mad World” through every room speaker as he touches every curtain Install that …
Top Ten Things that Will Happen If California Secedes
UC Riverside’s national ranking will rise exponentially Nevada will finally get the coastline it has always wanted We’ll get to use the metric system like normal …
