how i cured cancer and smashed puss at the same time

ArticlesNewsTales From the Field

Written by: The MQ

Chad Moore, World Famous Physician and Motivational Speaker

Ever since I cured cancer, I’ve received many heartwarming letters of thanks and commendation. It makes me happy that my discovery has impacted the lives of so many people. But I’ve also gotten other letters, most of which ask the same thing: “Just how did I cure cancer while maintaining such an active sex life?” While I didn’t expect to be doing the scientific community another solid so soon, it is my hope that by spreading my sex escapades — or sex-capades, if you will — we can continue making discoveries and breakthroughs.

Despite my current status as a renowned scientist, I wasn’t always so good at keeping up with my studies. You see, back when I was an undergraduate, I was a sex machine. I would often skip lecture to get it on, and supplementing the lectures with readings was only doing so much. When my grades really started to slip, I remember having a talk with my counselor where he told me that I’d have to get my grades up or I would risk becoming academically disqualified. I was distraught, so I naturally went to my girlfriend to relieve my stress. After I had calmed down, she uttered a sentence which I’ll never forget: “If only you applied yourself to your studies like you apply yourself to fucking, you’d be unstoppable.” And that’s when I came up with a brilliant idea: the study bang — or stang, if you will.

The effects were immediate, and my grades did a complete 180. I owe my degree and current success to the stang technique I invented during my undergrad. Especially when on the verge of a scientific breakthrough, or when focusing on a hard concept, you may feel drained and out of energy. It is exactly in these moments of extreme hardship, usually around seven or eight, that the best learning and research is done. I’ve often heard from students that certain classes or topics are “screwing them,” but with my technique, you’ll finally be able to screw the concept right back.

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