Photo by: Lawrence Lee
Last Saturday night, a student from Sixth college was caught using ResNet to view pornography that has been described by various sources as “revolting,” “disturbing,” and “really, really hot.” The Society for Promoting Inconvenience in Erotic Situations (S.P.I.E.S.), an esteemed student welfare organization, detected the student’s activity and sent Chancellor Khosla to intervene.
The Chancellor arrived at the student’s dorm at approximately 9:40 p.m., accompanied by two armed RSOs. Khosla kicked the student’s door down, and the student, sitting at their computer and still fully clothed, attempted to flee the scene before being RKO’d and pepper sprayed by Khosla. The student then was restrained with handcuffs and a ball gag.
The student in question gave his own testimony: “After I was restrained, the Chancellor looked disappointed. He said, ‘Why did you have to go and do that? Now, I have to tell you about the birds and the bees, but I’ve had a very hard day of counting my money and raising tuition, so the RSO’s will perform the Ludovico technique on you with a multimedia presentation I have prepared just for this occasion.’ He left, and one RSO held my eyes open with metal wires while the other played Khosla’s presentation, which turned out to be a video of Khosla demonstrating — in very high definition — exactly what the birds and the bees do. Anyways, that’s how I learned what a Cleveland Steamer was.”
Chancellor Khosla had a different take on the matter. “Here at UC Santa Cruz, we take pornography very seriously. When a student ruins their innocence with it, I need to drop everything I’m doing — usually League of Legends, or a goat — to explain to them the facts of life. It is a huge expense of university resources. Do you have any idea how many more Cadillacs the university could buy me if students would stop watching so much damn porn?”
Phil Hunter, head of Information Technology for Sixth College, echoed Khosla’s concerns. “Last month alone, Sixth students viewed over 69 petabytes of pornographic material. It’s turning into real epidemic. The poor Chancellor has to talk to every student that has contributed to those 69 petabytes. Fortunately, sometimes his ‘presentation’ is enough to prevent students from ever watching porn again.”
When asked what exactly caused such an outrage, Khosla responded, “This repressed psychopath was watching heterosexual, monoracial porn, the least inclusive kind of pornography out there! Our university celebrates diversity and we pride ourselves on being one of the top ten most diverse campuses in the entire continental U.S. We only managed to make it this far because we celebrate diversity everywhere. Our student body is diverse, our different colleges are diverse, our food is [almost] diverse, and our pornography is diverse. There actually was not pornography diverse enough for our school so I was forced to make one of my own with men and women of all races, and a goat.” Khosla’s porno is now available at all the major markets on campus, and its viewing, as of last week, is mandatory for all students.
Written by: Leo Grabowski and PJ Marymee
