1. The First and the Third Crusades, but not the Second one
2. The reason why The Big Bang Theory is still running
3. The disappearance of your neighbor’s cat
4. Push doors that look like pull doors
5. All of the things you previously blamed on your clone before they died tragically
6. Giraffes
7. Your second, third, and fifth existential crises
8. Global warming
9. That one time you were able to put both pant legs on at the same time
10. The people living inside Mount Rushmore
11. Crop circles
12. Not being the first to initiate contact with us
13. The brief ceasefire that lasted seven minutes during The Battle the Bulge
14. Your dad not coming back
15. The chilling sensation of 5 Gum

1. It has completely ruined your dating life
2. You just did this to impress your distant mother
3. You did four years in college for this bullshit
4. You’re mainly in it for the drama
5. You live in a house with 20 other girls
6. You failed the written exam
7. You went home on the first day
8. Some old dude is making a lot of money off of you
9. You got upstaged by a 5’11 blonde named Jennifer
10. You thought you’d be having way more sex than this

1. Your slam poetry phase
2. Those shoes with that top
3. Forgetting whether or not you left the stove on
4. Never getting to see Britney Spears in person
5. Joining the wrong mob
6. Completely failing your liver, so it can’t be donated anymore
7. Thinking this bear was trying to give you a massage with its teeth
8. Never learning to play the didgeridoo
9. That weekend in TJ
10. Jumping off of this cliff

1. You thought denim booty shorts were business casual
2. You forgot what job you were interviewing for
3. When asked about your previous work experience, you told the interviewer about when you dealt drugs in high school
4. You gave the interviewer your screenplay instead of your resume
5. You showed up in cargo shorts and Crocs
6. You just didn’t show up
7. You called the interviewer “Dad”
8. You don’t think they enjoyed the intricate art of your face tattoo
9. You thought the interviewer was leaning in for a kiss
10. When asked what your biggest flaw was, you simply said “Yes”

1. I mean, I guess this beats crucifixion
2. Wow I definitely thought I was going to Hell
3. Beam me up, Scotty
4. Wait until my father hears about this
5. Please don’t whitewash me in future paintings
6. Oh no, not again
7. Please don’t yell my name when you’re having sex
8. No one look up my robe
9. Jesus OUT
10. Haha, these losers think I’m returning
11. It’s Jesus, bitch
12. I left a million dollars in the …
13. Jesus Fucking Christ
14. Whatever you do, don’t start a religion based on me
15. God is a woman