Volume 22
Study Confirms Raccoons Not Microwave Safe
Recent research by undergraduate students has confirmed a curious radiobiological phenomenon. “It has long been theorized that microwaving raccoons is a bad idea, but our research …
Area Woman Decides in Record Time to Not Have Sex with Tinder Date
Guinness World Records recently awarded their prestigious award for “quickest time for deciding not to have sexual intercourse with another human (male)” to Patricia Cornbread, officially …
Local Cop Unsure If Woman Shouting “What Have I Done?” Is Doing So Rhetorically
Local police sergeant Frederick Huntsberry stumbled upon a peculiar scene last night when he found a woman kneeling in the middle of the streets, staring at …
Drug Dealer Has Poor Q4, Will Match Internet Prices
In response to vastly underwhelming profit margins in Q4 2015, Winnie “Whee” Dolores, Lorry Park’s local drug dealer, has announced a new policy of allowing internet …
Rock the Vote Launches Bipartisan Smear Campaign
Rock The Vote recently released a series of violent attack ads against both left- and right-winged frontrunner presidential candidates, targeting everything from their moral platforms, personal …
Feb. 14 Shows Up On Calendar Despite Numerous Restraining Orders
Despite many singles requesting restraining orders after a tragic Valentine’s Days the preceding year, Feb. 14 has once again shown up with the changing of the …
Hoverboards Are an Atrocity And Must Be Stopped!
Hoverboards. Let me tell you something about these rolling, devil-worshipping machines. You may have seen kids rolling around on these horrible contraptions, wobbling around like they …
Local Journalist Thinks We Just Want Different Things, Joseph
As of press time, it is official that the former “power couple” consisting of Evvan Burke and Joseph Knolls, known by some as Jovvan, have broken …
Swedish Couple on Walking Tour Across Southern Europe Disappointed by Greece’s Hostile Welcome
Swedish couple Alex and Marta Frisk have been traversing Southern Europe by foot for the past couple of months. However, upon reaching Greece, they were shocked …
UC Review Finds Most Male Faculty not Predators, Just Predator Enablers
An internal review of faculty behavior at the University of California, Berkeley, has concluded that the vast majority of male faculty and administrators do not sexually …
