1. Work an unpaid summer internship to get “experience”
2. Fry an egg on the sidewalk and get food poisoning
3. Live-tweet the 36 hours you spend in bed
4. Write letters to Santa for everyone in your hometown
5. Deep-throat an Otter Pop
6. Go to Castles N’ Coasters, Arizona’s finest amusement park — Sponsored by Castles N’ Coasters, Arizona’s finest amusement park
7. Marathon that show you’ve already seen twice
8. Try to increase your Twinkies-eaten-per-hour rate by five
9. Stare at the sun
10. Attend summer session

1. He forgot to include your “Jr.” when he gave it to you, so his money just referred back to himself
2. He didn’t get any inheritance from his parents, so it’s kind of a family tradition at this point
3. You didn’t show up to his funeral
4. He selfishly donated all of his money to charity before he died
5. He never learned how to write
6. $2.71 doesn’t split evenly three ways
7. He was a devout socialist and believed that his remains belonged to the state
8. Years ago, you sold your portion of inheritance to your brother for a bowl of soup
9. He thought choosing to be breast fed by your mother was a form of favoritism
10. You didn’t put him in your will, so why would he put you in his

1. Your entire identity is defined by the word “student”
2. You haven’t gotten your idealism completely crushed out of you yet, so you need another year
3. You paid for those parking lots to be constructed and, god damn, you’re gonna use them
4. You’re on the hunt for the elusive triple major
5. You don’t want your parents to start seeing you as a self-reliant individual
6. You just switched into Cog Sci
7. You’re keeping a low profile
8. You forgot to pay that 10 cent charge on your Imprints count and now they’re holding your diploma
9. Your job as a part time drug dealer in the Village is quite lucrative
10. You’re a first year

1. The First and the Third Crusades, but not the Second one
2. The reason why The Big Bang Theory is still running
3. The disappearance of your neighbor’s cat
4. Push doors that look like pull doors
5. All of the things you previously blamed on your clone before they died tragically
6. Giraffes
7. Your second, third, and fifth existential crises
8. Global warming
9. That one time you were able to put both pant legs on at the same time
10. The people living inside Mount Rushmore
11. Crop circles
12. Not being the first to initiate contact with us
13. The brief ceasefire that lasted seven minutes during The Battle the Bulge
14. Your dad not coming back
15. The chilling sensation of 5 Gum

1. It has completely ruined your dating life
2. You just did this to impress your distant mother
3. You did four years in college for this bullshit
4. You’re mainly in it for the drama
5. You live in a house with 20 other girls
6. You failed the written exam
7. You went home on the first day
8. Some old dude is making a lot of money off of you
9. You got upstaged by a 5’11 blonde named Jennifer
10. You thought you’d be having way more sex than this

1. Your slam poetry phase
2. Those shoes with that top
3. Forgetting whether or not you left the stove on
4. Never getting to see Britney Spears in person
5. Joining the wrong mob
6. Completely failing your liver, so it can’t be donated anymore
7. Thinking this bear was trying to give you a massage with its teeth
8. Never learning to play the didgeridoo
9. That weekend in TJ
10. Jumping off of this cliff

1. You thought denim booty shorts were business casual
2. You forgot what job you were interviewing for
3. When asked about your previous work experience, you told the interviewer about when you dealt drugs in high school
4. You gave the interviewer your screenplay instead of your resume
5. You showed up in cargo shorts and Crocs
6. You just didn’t show up
7. You called the interviewer “Dad”
8. You don’t think they enjoyed the intricate art of your face tattoo
9. You thought the interviewer was leaning in for a kiss
10. When asked what your biggest flaw was, you simply said “Yes”

1. I mean, I guess this beats crucifixion
2. Wow I definitely thought I was going to Hell
3. Beam me up, Scotty
4. Wait until my father hears about this
5. Please don’t whitewash me in future paintings
6. Oh no, not again
7. Please don’t yell my name when you’re having sex
8. No one look up my robe
9. Jesus OUT
10. Haha, these losers think I’m returning
11. It’s Jesus, bitch
12. I left a million dollars in the …
13. Jesus Fucking Christ
14. Whatever you do, don’t start a religion based on me
15. God is a woman

He stole your seat He came dressed to support his favorite team: the refs He filled all the kegs with NyQuil He fired his gun into …