Editorial
Screw All of You: A Manifesto
I was sitting by my Victorian-style windowsill, indulging in my most recent summer read — Lolita, for the complex historical perspectives — when I heard the …
I Must Return to the Real World
Beloved wizards and magicians of the greater San Diego area, it is time for me to hang up my hat and cloak in favor of the …
I Haven’t Cried in Over a Decade Because We’ve Been in a Drought
I’ve spent my entire life as a God-fearing professional onion chopper, and never in my life have I ever witnessed a drought last longer than my …
Why I Think Leprechauns Aren’t Real
That dreaded time of year is now almost upon us. My first-grade class will soon insist on catching a leprechaun in time for St. Patrick’s Day. …
I Am the Hydro Flask That Falls in Your Lecture
I hear people have been complaining about the occasional, small, itty-bitty noise that I make when I fall in your 8 a.m. lecture (it’s not like …
Read Me Like One of Your French Books
I remember the day I was purchased like it was yesterday. I was sitting on a shelf at the store with my siblings, waiting, just waiting …
Please, Just Let Me Live in the Future
I was born in the wrong generation. Everyone seems to have lost their minds! To let Dogecoin die? To not let Elon Musk into your brain …
I Give Up — The Next Global Disaster Will Be Too Weird to Predict
A decade of unprecedentedly unprecedented times, whatever people are calling it, has put me out of business. If you asked me a decade ago where we’d …
My First Bonfire Wasn’t as Magical as They Said It Would Be
For as long as I’ve resided in this field, I’ve heard the same hangout plans from a new group every day: “Let’s have a bonfire next …
No, Don’t Buy That Compression Shirt
I thought I had changed. I thought I had grown. I thought I was no longer the person who would impulse-buy a $200 trench coat to …
