News
UCs Banned from Asking About Race, Find New Measures of Student Affluence
As per California Proposition 209, the 2016-2017 incoming freshman class will be the 20th UC class to have been accepted independent of their race, sex, or …
Local Toddler Discovers Santa Claus Not Real, Life Now Meaningless
Local toddler Albert Cameron, age five, was shocked this past week to learn that Santa Claus is not a real person. After overhearing his mother discussing …
New Study Finds People Have 14 Unspeakable Thoughts Per Day
A study released by the Bureau of Psychology revealed that, on average, people have 14 “depraved, unspeakable” thoughts per day. The study defined an “unspeakable” thought …
Political Conversations Revealed as Finite Resource, to Be Depleted by Mid-2017
A recent study concluded that discussion topics and information about the 2016 election available to the general public are decreasing at an alarming rate, and if …
Congress Shortens Women’s History Month to 78 Percent of Previous Length
Late last month, Congress passed a bill intended to shorten March, Women’s History Month, to 78 percent of its typical length in order to better reflect …
Student Body Finds D’lush Offensive and Vile, A.S. Burns Price Center to Ground
After hearing several complaints from the student body about the negative effects of D’lush’s mediocre lunch specials on campus and after a heated debate, several A.S. …
Hillary Clinton Appears on “Sesame Street” to Appeal to the Youth
To combat the political pressure from the growing support of the Bernie Sanders campaign, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton made a recent guest appearance on the children’s …
Linguists Discover “i” in Team
A group of local linguists discovered Tuesday that, contrary to a popular aphorism, there is in fact an ‘i’ in “team.” Although a representative from the …
Kevin Faulconer Confesses Love to San Diego Chargers Right Before they Board Plane to LA
San Diego Mayor Kevin Faulconer was spotted running through San Diego International Airport in an attempt to confess his love to the Chargers before they boarded …
White Militia Man, Not Terrorist, Wanted After Non-Terrorist Attack
Following an incident on Jan. 18 in which he fired an assault rifle at an Oklahoma Court House for “five uninterrupted minutes,” white militia member Stephen …
