A study released by the Bureau of Psychology revealed that, on average, people have 14 “depraved, unspeakable” thoughts per day. The study defined an “unspeakable” thought as one that, if said aloud, would almost certainly result in ostracization and/or imprisonment.

Dr. Oswald Greenberg, chief psychiatrist at the Bureau of Psychology, said the findings came as somewhat of a surprise.

“We came into the experiment expecting to find these thought patterns maybe once, twice a week. Maybe even once a month.”

The initial study had 200 subjects of varying age and background journal their daily thoughts with as little filter as possible. Over the course of the study, contents from the journals contained incidents of “nearly every combination of ethically and morally repugnant behavior conceivable,” some of which “shook [the researchers’] faith in humanity to its very core.”

“Even after repeated trials,” quoted Greenberg, “similar patterns, frequencies, and rather perplexingly, themes emerged. This was quite the fruitful study, in a way.”

Although hailed as successful, the research had trouble keeping on consistent staff in the beginning, according to Greenberg. On several occasions, researchers requested to leave the study on personal, religious, and arachnophobic grounds.

“So many horses. I don’t think I can ever look a horse in the eye again,” said Lorena Esparza, a junior researcher at the Bureau. “My mom’s been calling me for the last week and I haven’t felt strong enough to talk to her yet. I’m still so unclean.”

In addition to unspeakable thoughts, the journals collected thousands of samples of thoughts and opinions that even the most immodest crowds would finding shocking, citing one subject’s ten-page description of a short film which would require several acts of treason, four chickens, and a Zamboni to properly complete.

“In the future, I think we’ll ask people to be a little less specific. Let’s just say that Freud was more right than we thought.”

The results and contents of the unspeakable thoughts varied subtly across cultures and social group, but were all characterized as each “unredeemable and repugnant” in their own way, and touched on similar recurring ideas, especially parents and farm animals.

Greenberg conceded, however, that initial expectations may have been misguided.

“Before we started the study, we weren’t even aware of the horrible things going through our own heads all the time,” Greenberg said.

“…What? Lizard people? Oh, sorry, did you ask me something? I was thinking about, well, I probably shouldn’t say.”

Written by: Cole Steffensen