Everett Ririe
SDPD Uncovers Cannibal Cult
“I don’t need a vaccine to protect me; I have diamond armor,” wrote @fathogjones on Twitter.Photo by Sharon Roth On Sunday, May 29, a squad of …
Is it Ever Okay – Spaghetti
How can I politely inform my daughter that she will go to Hell for putting ketchup on spaghetti?– DISAPPOINTED DEIRDRA A spicy nine-layered dip is an …
Sabastian Tonne – Kindergartner
Two months ago, I surprised my classmates by paying off their school lunch debts, a total of over eight thousand dollars — my entire five-year-old life’s …
Yes, I Am, in Fact, God.
Hello mortals, it’s Me: your God. My name was once Ronald Jameson and I was a student like yourself. Unlike yourself, however, I was a highly-gifted …
CDC Recommends Hiding Vaccines Under Mashed Potatoes to Get Anti-Vaxxers to Take Their Medicine
“The worst part wasn’t the vaccine — it was the fact that the Dino Nuggets were touching the mac ‘n’ cheese,” complained Hetfield.Photo by Robin Brewin In …
Psych Student Develops Cure for Déjà Vu
Rats treated with Don’tjà Vu were eight times more likely to double-check that the stove was off before leaving the cage.Photo by Robin Brewin Last month, Don’tjà …
UCSD Student Discovers the Last Number
UCSD Student Discovers the Last Number On January 20th, a moderator of the “Class of 2024” Discord server created a new channel titled “Counting,” which was …
Wall Street Grows Tired of Betting Against the Livelihood of Working Class People, Begins Betting Against Working Class’s Lives Directly
Major Wall Street investors and mutual funds have recently begun a new trading strategy. Instead of investments in traditional businesses or commodities, many investors have traded …
Seventh College Man Waiting for Broken Elevator Scales Elevator Shaft
Seventh College Man Waiting for Broken Elevator Scales Elevator Shaft On November 22 at 1:38 a.m., an anonymous resident of Seventh College Tower West called campus …
It’s Too Soon to Start Playing Christmas Music vs. I Never Stopped
Point: It’s Too Soon to Start Playing Christmas Music By Dr. Bob A. O’Riley Chairman of the Committee for National Holiday Declaration I cannot believe you …
