“So this is what those beach episodes in anime were about?” said one weebish researcher.
Photo by Amit Roth
I n a shocking discovery made by “particularly intrepid” members of UC San Diego’s Graham Research for Advanced Social Sciences (GRASS) Center, trace evidence of Beach-Related Detritus (BRDt) — in the form of microscopic grains of sand and shell fragments — has been observed in soil samples gathered through random testing of the campus’ grounds. If this finding is replicable, this would provide definitive and uncontestable support for the widely contentious “There Is a Beach Close to Campus” theory, which suggests that there may be a beach close to campus.
Proponents of this theory have speculated on the nature of this alleged beach, claiming that it must be “sandy in nature,” and “probably located along the Pacific Ocean, according to existing geographical understanding.” According to one researcher, it may even “have several acres of terrain for activities such as beach volleyball, hole-digging, and absolutely roasting your sensitive, virginal skin in solar radiation.” If confirmed, this theory would provide support for the “This Campus Has Stuff to Do Nearby” hypothesis — which, until recently, has had no supporting evidence.
UCSD students, such as geosciences major Bouie Reef, are “stoked” about the discovery of BRDt and its possible implications upon long-term entertainment and social opportunities, saying, “Bro. This is, like, kind of unbelievable to be honest. I can’t — I mean, like — can you believe it? It’s just, you know, it’s just kinda… and, like, about time right? It’s like, dude, it’s like the beach. It’s right there. Like, you know what I mean? Right there. Far out man.”
Other students have shown more resistance to the “There Is A Beach Close To Campus” theory, claiming it a hoax. Fourth-year political science major Frett Brandley stated, “Yeah, I don’t think it’s real. Lemme tell you what, there’s no way I’m buying that something so cool and fun has just been sitting there, waiting to be exploited by the fun-famished masses of UCSD.”
He added, “If it were real, I wouldn’t have wasted all this time pissing away my precious, fleeting youth, studying at Geisel, staring longingly at the birds in the eucalyptus grove as they follow the thermals up, up, up and away into the wild blue oblivion, fully free. Untethered by the shackles of essays. Unburdened by the leaden weight of rote memorization. Unchained from statistical analysis using R and SPSS. We can’t be them. The beach cannot suffer to exist, because we do not — should not — have the capacity to enjoy it. It is simply not allowable! I will not allow them to taunt us with such heinous, sickening, profligate decadence … I’m sorry, what was the question?”
The UCSD administrative board released a statement cautioning students from attempting to incorporate the theoretical beach into their summer leisure plans, saying, “While we encourage everyone to have a recreationfilled summer within reasonable parameters, we must warn students that any beach heretofore mentioned by any UCSD research study remains unconfirmed, and potentially dangerous. We simply cannot endorse students walking off of campus without a chaperone.”
The administration is concordantly updating its security policy in light of the discovery, explaining in a recent press release, “Since the theoretical beach may be both available to the general public and out-ofdoors, plastic wristbands will be distributed to those living in residence halls on campus, both for your safety, and to ensure there are no unauthorized gatherings in or near campus residence halls, or pre-designated Free Speech Zones. Have a great summer, Tritons!”
GRASS did not respond to a request for further comment, although suppositional towels and speculative flip flops have been discovered in the labspace.
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