Heterosexual marriage is reportedly on an even sharper decline.
Photo by Amit Roth
In what historians are calling an “explosive decision unrivaled since Heinrich Schliemann’s excavation of Troy,” Olympian goddess Aphrodite has officially conceded to Hate in the “War on Love”, a decades-long crusade against her rule. This decision comes in the wake of various infractions against Aphrodite’s divine mandate, including humans “calling women bitches” and “daring to even think about repealing gay marriage.” As part of the peace terms, the goddess will cease to “bless love: platonic, romantic, or filial,” which she claims “[humans] never valued anyway.”
“Do you all think we’re in the Bronze Age or something? Why are we not loving?” Aphrodite asked in a recent Instagram Live. “At this point, I don’t even care if you fuck or not anymore. Just love each other — love yourselves!!”
After her divine decision came out, her son and heavenly matchmaker Eros, colloquially known as Cupid, ran street interviews on social media platform TikTok to clear up popular misconceptions.
During the thousands of years since the classical Hellenism worshippers died, the Kytherian goddess updated her worship requirements to emphasize showing platonic and filial love to others. Maintaining good favor with the goddess of love includes “holding doors open for strangers”, “clapping for professors at the end of college lectures”, and “remembering your kids’ names”, alongside “classic” romantic gestures. Additionally, Aphrodite’s worship was “never limited to the romantic.” As Aphrodite Urania — Aphrodite portrayed through worship beyond the sexual — she “promotes love beyond the carnal.” According to Eros, this broad definition means “you could literally just hold the door open for a stranger to put more love in the world.”
“Mother is tired,” Eros emphasized while swirling an iced coffee. “We appropriated that one guy’s message of ‘loving your neighbor’ a couple millennia ago, but even that didn’t change anything. What’s wrong with y’all?”
Reactions to the embodiment of love “literally giving up” have been largely negative, with both dissidents and supporters speaking out against Aphrodite and the concept of love, her decision to concede, and her looks, among her other “very abhorrent” attributes. Some detractors have taken further action than simply benign online comments, forming a new coalition called the “Me First” movement — championing individualism and urging its members to “consider [themselves] first” and stop the “lovey-dovey pussy shit” that’s “ruining the world.” Collectively dubbing themselves the Individualists, Me First supporters have started “treating people like the betas they are,” causing an uptick in “incel behavior” worldwide.
“The world is FULL of DEVIL WORSHIPPERS.” X, formerly known as Twitter, user and Me First spokesperson @christisking Xeeted, “Holding the door OPEN allows SATAN in. JESUS would SLAM THE DOOR in the face of EVIL.”
Some supporters and modern-day worshippers of the goddess have spoken out in response to both Aphrodite and the Individualists. Self-proclaimed Head Priest of Aphrodite Pandemos’ cult — which worships Aphrodite’s romantic and sexual aspects — Ansophos Asininus has publicly ranted about “how much [he’s] done” to promote Aphrodite in his lifetime.
“I have fucked every single breathing, consenting, over-the-age-of-18 man, woman, and person I could get my hands on,” Asininus yelled while fondling his genital region. “I have stolen and sacrificed wedding and funeral doves; I have doxxed the enemies that conspire against me; I have even gooned to porn I don’t even like. And she goes off and gives up?! She’s so self-centered!”
Aphrodite has “repeatedly emphasized” how much she “does not accept self-destructive behaviors” as part of her worship: “You can only fully love others if you love yourself.”
World-renowned rapper, set ordinance, and map direction, Patriarch Cardi(nal) previously ventured on a quest by the Basileus ton Rhomaion to find the elixir of life. Failing in this, he was then banished to live in the oubliette of the Méga Palátion in Constantinople — and now begs for those above the grate to "let him out of the pit."
