China has reportedly been buying the LEGO sets in large numbers, eager to get a sneak peek at US military designs.
Photo by Maria Dhilla
In what one anonymous builder has called “the biggest scandal of the 21st century toy industry,” “unknown to the world at large,” and “lost in the channels of time and obscurity, but for the tireless, brave efforts of one plucky journalist,” several parts of LEGO US’s new Nation Building sets have been recalled for causing emotional trauma to kids, toddlers, and children not yet born. According to reporters, the sets contained dormant land mines and copious amounts of pro-US military propaganda. Many parents were also troubled by the impact of their toddlers’ “clumsy hands” in completed builds, as they willingly toppled entire governments in one fell swoop.
LEGO has defended the products, saying that they teach children patriotic ideals and that the company had no way of foreseeing the potential harm that could come to future generations through this. “Here at LEGO, we are all about empowering children’s minds with the tools to be creative: an initiative we call mutually assured construction,” stated a spokesperson. “Toy guns never hurt anyone! And they certainly don’t teach children that violence is always the answer. In fact, it’s quite the opposite: they teach you that you only need to threaten someone with a gun to get them to do what you want. Our sets show that five-year-olds playing with LEGOs could run a third-world country better than a democratically-elected president.” The spokesperson was then ushered away by a concerned legal representative of the company.
Many parents view the recall as a wake-up call. “I never realized we were exposed to such dangerous things and told to view them as normal,” said concerned parent Gwen Ayde in a Facebook post. “I always thought our intervention abroad was in everyone’s best interest, you know? I used to laugh when I heard that the White Savior was a bad thing. What could Sandra Bullock ever do wrong, you know? The White Savior Complex was obviously rooted in some kind of genuine desire to do good and spread democracy, and anything with such good intentions accordingly would have very good results. Then I found my child’s set: a terrorist state propped up by red, white, and blue 2×4 pieces — only a facade of friendliness and freedom. And I knew that something was very wrong.” Ayde then enrolled her child in a school for troubled children. “I was horrified to learn that the militaristic mentality used to discipline children in such environments only encouraged my child’s disturbing behavior! These children are treated like pieces in a puzzle, not complex human beings. Is there no escape?”
However, not every parent views the recall as cause for concern. “So what if Joe, after playing with LEGOs all his life, is now 25 and a Navy Seal?” remarked Cheryl Rogan. “He’s my little boy, and boys will be boys. He deserves to play around in Iraq for a little while and see if his meddling can make things better. The lives lost along the way like pawn sacrifices are just pieces in a game that has to be played. None of them are American, anyways. We’re the greatest nation in the world: that means we know how to build one.”
Kaz Nuckowski is a Copy Editor for the Muir Quarterly. They are usually found in Half Dome laughing and encouraging students to share their wit or giving their own suggestions to make everyone else laugh. Never doubt Kaz and their skills because they will surprise you, especially when the spread has a comic open and they are feeling inspired!
